Author: Tim Cavey

I write about productivity, technology, politics, fitness, and real estate.

Categories
Goal Setting Goals Productivity Self-Actualization Wellness

You Hate New Year’s Resolutions Because You’re Doing Them Wrong

There’s one part of SMART goals that still doesn’t get enough love.

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“80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by February.”

“Only 8% of New Year’s resolutions are successful.”

Like me, you’ve heard these depressing and oft-repeated statistics. Quite possibly, you’ve joined the ranks of the intellectually enlightened who scoff at the naivete of annual resolution-making rituals and pragmatically embrace their deficiencies instead.

And then there are some among us whose hatred of New Year’s resolutions seems almost visceral. The mere mention of resolutions is enough to produce a scowl of disgust and a healthy rant to boot.

Why all the hate?

I believe the main reason is that at one time or another, these cynics tried setting resolutions themselves. Lose weight. Work out more. Save more money. Spend more time with family. Be a better human being.

At the outset of these resolutions, there was hope. There was optimism. There was the promise of real and lasting change. Often, the resolutions were announced with fervent passion and great fanfare to family and friends.

And then inevitably, the resolutions failed. Old habits crept back in. Resolve weakened. And before they knew it, the ways of December had returned.

Disappointment, humiliation, and frustration followed. So, like a jilted lover, these resolution-makers vowed “Never again.” Never again will I set myself up for such personal disappointment or public humiliation. Never again will I waste time with this foolishness.

I can’t fail if I don’t attempt, goes the subconscious logic. It’s a form of emotional self-defense. It’s what Carol Dweck calls the fixed mindset, when we allow the fear of failure to prevent growth.

I have good news for these doubters, however. The good news is that New Year’s Resolutions can and do work. You only hate them because you’re doing them wrong.

“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” — Zig Ziglar

A quick note on semantics. If you’re a resolution hater, try replacing resolutions with goals. For some, resolutions are more easily associated with the sorts of vague, nebulous platitudes that inevitably end in failure, while goals align better with targeted, specific growth or change.

Now that we’re clear on language, we need to address the most underrated and yet most powerful part of goal-setting: numbers.

You’ve likely heard of SMART goals, so let’s begin there. You’ve heard that effective goals must be:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Achievable
  • Realistic & Relevant
  • Time Limited

It’s a fantastic formula, and I do believe each piece of that formula is critical. Yet there’s one bullet that — based on personal experience — dwarfs the other four in importance.

Measurable is EVERYTHING.

If your goal doesn’t have a number in it, it’s worthless. If you have no way to quantify your goal or check for success at the end of your timeline, you are literally wasting brainpower even thinking about it.

I believe this needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Stop wasting your time setting goals — any goals — that don’t contain numbers.

Instead, set goals that are measurable, quantifiable, empirical. Start obsessing about data. Track your life in every area that’s important to you.

To show you what I mean and how I’m applying this, here are some of my measurable goals for 2018:

  • Financial: Reduce the amount owing on our HELOC by 25%. (End of February: +10%.)
  • Marital: Complete 36 ‘State of the Union’ update discussions with my wife in 2018. (End of February: 6/36.)
  • Paternal: Complete 12 monthly stepdad summits. (End of February: 2/12.)
  • Physical: Complete 45 push-ups in one set. (End of February: 35.) Earn a time of under 50 minutes in a 10 kilometer run on April 22nd. (Result to come.) Work out at Anytime Fitness 156 times. (End of February: 26/156.) Run a total of 156 km. (End of February: 9.8/156 km.) Record less than 120/80 BP. (End of February: 125/86 was best reading.)
  • Professional: Complete year 1 of MEdL degree. (End of February: 7/12 months completed.)
  • Self-Improvement: Finish reading 12 books. (End of February: 1/12.) Purge 52 items of clothing. (End of February: 8/52.) Complete 52 bedtime journal entries. (End of February: 25/52.) Write and publish 52 blog posts. (End of February: 6/52.)
  • Social: Complete 10 father-son conference calls. (End of February: 2/10.)

I lay out all of these goals and more in a spreadsheet, and now check these goals more often than I have in five years of following the practice. They keep me grounded, focused, and motivated. I press on in each of these areas partly because I can see progress. I feel momentum. I see reasons to be encouraged.

Think back to some of the classic New Year’s resolutions we’ve all set for ourselves in the past. Lose weight. Get in better shape. Save more money. Spend more time with family. Be a better human being.

Those goals have little chance of success because they’re difficult to track. You’re not going to stay motivated to make better choices for 365 days based on eat healthier. But you ARE going to stay motivated so long as you can measure and track incremental progress.

So start journaling everything. Obsess with data. Take five minutes each morning and update your life’s activity in all the areas that matter. And I promise that you’ll see results like you’ve never seen before.

There’s no time like the present to stop hating resolutions. Embrace goal-setting with all you’re worth. And if you care about success, make them measurable.

Categories
Family Home Real Estate

House Poor and Loving Life

We stretched to buy a home we could barely afford, and we wouldn’t change a thing.

My wife and I were married in the spring of 2015. After the wedding, I moved into the 3BR basement suite that she shared with her two boys at the time. We were insanely happy to start building this new chapter of life together, consumed by love, hopes, and dreams.

It was an interesting housing arrangement. The two floors over our heads were occupied by another family of four and my wife’s cousin. Vehicles numbered six, adults numbered five, children four. Because the five adults represented four different cultures, we affectionately called the place UN House. It was a fun experience, and our families shared some great memories together during the five months I lived there.

Almost immediately, however, my wife and I could see that this living situation would be challenging for our new family. Call it a first world problem, but sharing one bathroom between four people is frustrating even on the best of days. The suite was tight, the ceiling was low, rooms were dark, there were no views, and parts of the carpet smelled like cat urine. This wasn’t the dream, to put it bluntly.

Fresh out of our wedding, neither my wife or I had much in the way of savings. In fact, we had the opposite of savings — over $20,000 in debt on credit cards and an unsecured line of credit, plus $13,000 owing on one of our cars. What we did have was my old house in another city across the country. Already showing the signs of over a century of age, seven years of long-distance landlording had taken their toll on the place: my former home was in rough shape.

So it was that soon after getting married, I took a week away to clean up my old house as best I could and get it listed. With my parents pitching in to help, we repainted walls, set mouse traps, and installed new carpets. The house sold in mid-April for a disappointing figure, but at least it sold quickly. Minus the realtor’s commission and other associated costs, we pocketed around $60,000.

After paying off credit cards and my unsecured line of credit, we were left with about $40,000 in cash. For that sum, we were incredibly grateful. We were both acutely aware — and remain mindful — that many couples and singles our age are unable to set aside such an amount. Yet, when we looked at our Pacific Northwest housing market, our $40,000 looked pathetic.

So what were our options, exactly? We started having the housing discussion that so many couples have had, are having, or will have: to rent, how much to rent, to buy, or what to buy. It is primarily for couples and individuals in the throes of this same decision-making process that I want to share our experience.

Four Housing Options

Weeks of research in the spring of 2015 eventually produced the following cost estimates for four housing options:

  • Scenario 1: RENT for $1000/month — stay in our basement suite indefinitely ($950 rent + $50 utilities)
  • Scenario 2: RENT for $2150/month — start renting a small home or a larger portion of a home ($2000 rent + $150 utilities)
  • Scenario 3: BUY for $2750/month — a townhome of about 1,800 square feet, price tag around $450,000 ($2100 mortgage + $250 strata/HOA fees + $150 property taxes + $150 utilities + $100 home insurance)
  • Scenario 4: BUY for $2850/month — a large detached home with a basement suite, price tag of $700,000 ($3,100 mortgage + $300 property taxes + $250 utilities + $200 home insurance – $1000 rental income from basement suite)

Additional Notes

  1. The ‘buy’ options in scenarios 3 and 4 assumed 5% down payment with a fixed rate of 2.7% and 25-year amortization.
  2. Down payment minimums have increased since we purchased in 2015. At the time, buyers could acquire financing with just 5% down, regardless of the total purchase price. As of 2018, borrowing laws now require buyers to put down 5% on the first $500,000 + 10% for everything above that. So as an example, a property purchased for $700,000 would require a down payment of $45,000.
  3. Some critics in the real estate or lending spaces might balk at my math in scenario 4, saying that rental income is no guarantee and should not be factored into the calculation of monthly housing costs. Three years into ownership, it’s been 100% reliable. I think it’s fair to factor it in.
  4. *Exchange rate note: at the time of writing, $700,000 CAD =$535,668 USD.

Only One Way Made Sense

We gave each of these four housing scenarios a serious look. But one by one, they failed the common sense test. Scenario 1 just wasn’t going to cut it long term in terms of space. The idea of staying in the suite as long as possible to save up a larger down payment made no sense with the local housing market exploding rapidly around us. Prices would continue to rise faster than we could possibly save. Even more concerning, I couldn’t help but wonder if we would be tempted to spend some of what we should be saving in this scenario. It would definitely be tempting to live a little larger, yet that would be disastrous in the long term.

Scenario 2 just looked like burning $25,000+/year with nothing to show for it, while again missing out on the rapid ascent of the local real estate market. No savings and no appreciation. Double trouble.

For some time we were certain that Scenario 3 was the right path. It just seemed like the wisest and most sensible route to go with a townhome purchase. We even got excited enough about one particular unit that we visited it three times and sent pictures to friends and family.

But in the end, after some wise counsel from said family members, we took another look at the cash flow math detailed above. After factoring in the rental income from a basement suite, we realized that a large home would cost us virtually the same as a townhome while giving us twice the square footage, a piece of actual land, better appreciation, and a permanent source of passive income. Once we accepted that logic, there was no turning back. Buying a detached home with a suite — Scenario 4 — would be the path for us.

Stretched to the Limit

Enter our buying limits. Remember, we had about $40,000 cash. Borrowing laws at the time required homeowners to put down a minimum of 5% of the total purchase price on a principal residence. That meant that our absolute ceiling for purchase price would be under $800,000. In addition, there were a couple of other major costs levied at purchase:

  • $26,000 for nationally legislated mortgage insurance (commonly known as CMHC in Canada, PMI in the United States) for high-ratio buyers like us (anyone putting less than 20% down on a purchase). Fortunately, this cost is amortized across the entire term of the mortgage, which meant there was no need to try to cough up an additional $26,000 at the time of purchase.
  • $12,000 for a local land transfer tax. Buyers in British Columbia are required to pay a percentage-based surcharge on every purchase of property. It’s an awful policy.

With these bleak numbers in hand, the house hunt was on. As it turned out, the search was shorter, sweeter, and more enjoyable than we thought it would be. By mid-August of 2015, after about two months of semi-serious looking, we found a beautiful 9-year-old home. It measured a whopping 3,600 square feet, contained a good 2BR basement suite, and was listed at $729,000. Working without realtor representation, we offered $703,000. Our offer was accepted without negotiation, and we moved in about ten days later.

An Ugly Equity Position

Here’s the scary part, and part of my purpose for writing this article. We had almost no equity in the home at all. I mean, our equity position was obscene. Here’s what it looked like:

  • $703,000 purchase price
  • $693,000 mortgage principal (purchase price – $35,150 down payment + $26,000 mortgage insurance)
  • = 1.4% equity

That’s a nauseating percentage, but in reality the picture was actually even worse. Remember the land transfer tax of about $12,000? We still had to pay that — plus some associated costs — out of an unsecured line of credit.

Adding this unsecured LOC to our house purchase calculation, our balance sheet (excluding cars) looked something like this:

  • Assets: $703,000 (market value of house)
  • Liabilities: $708,000 ($693,000 on mortgage principal + $15,000 on the unsecured LOC)
We actually owed more on our house than it was worth.

Did such buyers even exist? Before we bought, I wouldn’t have thought such ratios were even possible. But like it or not, we were now proof that they did.

Going forward, we were faced with a monstrous mortgage payment of $3,100/month (that’s before property taxes, home insurance, utilities, and maintenance). I still have to chuckle as I write that number. Nine years earlier, I had bought my first home (remember, in a different real estate market) for $120,000. At the time, my mortgage payment was just under $600/month, yet that was enough to warrant a letter from my father gravely warning me of the dangers of borrowing so much money. Neither of us could imagine that just nine years later, I would borrow more than seven hundred thousand dollars and take on a payment five times larger. The magnitude of our debt is still hard to fully grasp.

Evaluating the Decision to Become House Poor

So, was the decision to become house poor the right move for us? 30 months after purchasing, a thoughtful analysis shows that it’s not even close.

First, the Cons.

Home ownership hasn’t been all roses.

Housing costs equalling approximately $4,000/month (minus $1,000/month in rental income, as we projected) hasn’t been easy. At times, it’s been downright stressful. Our two middle class salaries plus rental income have allowed us to occasionally break even or even manage the occasional slim surplus against our budgeted spending for the month. But there have been many other months where unforeseen spending put us above and beyond our means, and our account balances moved in the wrong direction. Practically speaking, we’re not saving any cash at all (although thankfully, my wife and I are both enrolled in healthy pension plans through our employers). In terms of cash in the chequing account, it’s not a great picture.

This situation also means that lots of delayed gratification is in order. We have to say no to out-of-state vacations, with the exception of visiting my family every three years for Christmas. We can’t justify an upgrade to the awful couches in the family room that my wife received as free donations a decade ago. We can’t afford to buy new bicycles for the family or put up nice art pieces on our walls. We can’t fix the small dent in my trunk that I planted by backing into a tree three years ago. And so on.

A frank admission. The examples I just listed are classic examples of first world problems, and I’m definitely not crying about them. What I am trying to describe are some of the realities of the house-poor life. Translation: we can’t have our house and spend it too.

The Pros: Why We’re Glad We Stretched to the Max

Despite these sacrifices — and the continual burden of a jaw-dropping mortgage — our house has been an enormous blessing, and choosing to become house poor was absolutely the right decision for us. Here are the main reasons why.

  1. Market Appreciation. Since I’ve framed this essay largely as a financial analysis, I’ll start with the numbers. In the 2.5 years since purchase, our home has appreciated by about $350,000. I don’t mind sharing this figure because we’re far from alone in this phenomenon — virtually every single homeowner in the Greater Vancouver area has enjoyed gains of similar or far greater proportions over the same time period, and property assessments are all accessible online. But steady appreciation of more than $10,000/month over 30 consecutive months serves as indisputable confirmation that we were right to get out of renting as soon as possible. No, not every market will behave like this during every window of time, and our local market can’t sustain this pace indefinitely. But in general, most real estate markets in Canada and the United States head in only one direction over sustained periods: up.
  2. Forced Savings. Our mountainous mortgage payment contains another silver lining: our principal shrinks by $1,800/month. That steady progress on our debt (amounting to $21,600/year) represents real dollars that will be fully realized at point of sale. Even if we were still renting our old basement suite at $1,000/month (see scenario 1), I doubt that we would be investing $1,800/month without fail, month after month. Thanks to our unrelenting mortgage payments, we now have no choice but to save.So even if point 1 was nonexistent and this market had flatlined for the last three years, we’d still be in a good spot.
  3. A Passive Income Stream. Any passive revenue stream is something to be thankful for, but those that offer built-in tax benefits are even better. Thanks to fantastic renters, we’ve been able to rely on this additional income from our basement suite for every month since purchase. Realistically, there may be some bumps in the road in the years ahead: temporary vacancies, needed repairs, etc. But additional revenue streams are not easy to come by — just try building a side hustle that consistently produces $1,000/month of passive income. Having one in your basement that you don’t need to think about often is a huge asset.
  4. Providing Housing for Others. As a by-product to the previous point, there’s a certain satisfaction in providing safe, clean, reliable shelter for renters. I don’t want to overly romanticize this point, but there’s something special in knowing that we are providing other human beings with a staple of life.
  5. Having a Forever Home. Financials aside, my wife and I are grateful for a beautiful home that is large enough to consistently host family and friends. This, after all, is what house and home are all about. At the outset of our house hunt three years ago, my wife and I prayed for a place that would not only build memories for our family but offer a warm space of hospitality for our community of friends and relatives. Just two and a half years in, it’s done that countless times over. We love the spaces of our home, the light, the neighbourhood, and nearby amenities. We’re settled in for the long term.

Is House Poor Right for You?

Choosing the right housing scenario is a tough process for any individual, couple, or family. Deciding to stretch into negative equity in order to make a daunting house purchase and then remain house poor indefinitely isn’t the wisest or healthiest choice for everyone. But for this family, it’s working.

The new vehicles and Hawaii vacations will have to keep waiting. But we wouldn’t change a thing.

Categories
Goals Mindset Morning Routines Self-Actualization

9 Daily Actions That Create Greater Self-Actualization

Some day. Some day very soon, we like to tell ourselves.

Some day soon I will pull it all together. I’ll invest in the relationships that matter most. I’ll journal and meditate. I’ll set clear goals every morning. I’ll read the books I’ve been meaning to read. I’ll get into great shape and eat better. I’ll brush up on that musical instrument. I’ll start to write, design, and create things of beauty or utility that others will value.

Some day very soon. Just as soon as life settles down and becomes a little more manageable, I’ll make my move. And it’ll be awesome.

Yet, if we’re honest, we know what comes next. Life doesn’t slow down, and it doesn’t become more manageable. Or if it does, another challenge appears on the horizon. Family obligations increase. Work pressures loom. Health issues complicate.

The prerequisite state of equilibrium that we demand before we move forward has been disrupted again, and ‘some day’ remains as elusive as ever. All the future tense talk that friends and family hear from us about all the great initiatives on the way remains just that. Talk.

The reality is that ideas and intentions are absolutely worthless. The only thing that counts, that makes an impact, that produces real results and lasting legacy is action. That’s it.

Everyone dreams. Everyone has a concept — however vague or ill-defined — of their best life and best self. But sadly, this maximal manifestation of one’s passions, abilities, and creative energies just never takes shape for most people.

It’s not for lack of vision. And it’s not for lack of desire. The reasons we don’t step out and express our truest passions and purpose usually amount to uncertainty and fear — fear that the changes we want and the achievements we imagine are just too difficult and overwhelming.

We fear the failure that might follow the shock of a giant leap or an abrupt change in life direction. And so our fear keeps us in a state of paralysis by analysis. And nothing changes. Nothing happens.

We fail to see that the only thing lacking is simply action — any action at all. We miss the fact that even tiny, daily habits represent momentum and progress in the right direction. Taken over time, things start happening.

Impressive Progress Can Happen in Small Increments

One of the biggest lessons I learned in 2017 was the incredible power of incremental progress. Fueled by influencers like Brendon Burchard, Tom Karadza, and Brian Buffini, I finally understood that some of my life’s most precious dreams and ambitions would never be realized until I started to actually invest in them every single day.

“How you spend your days is how you spend your life.” — John Lee Dumas

The idea that each day is actually a microcosm of my life really got my attention. I had all these visions for change, for growth, for things I wanted to accomplish across the grand narrative of my life. But if they weren’t showing up in my day to day, they weren’t showing up in my life. That was a brutal reality check.

And so, in 2017 I decided to make intentional growth and greater self-actualization a goal of every day. The results have been gradual, steady, and ultimately transformative. What follows is a sampling of what happened … and continues to happen for me on a daily basis.

9 Daily Actions that Build Progress Toward Self-Actualization

  1. Journaling and Meditation. Through handwritten journaling, meditation, and prayer for just 15 minutes a day, I feel more spiritually connected and centred than ever.
  2. Goal Setting. By taking two minutes each morning to set big goals for the day, every day feels more focused and intentional.
  3. Creative Writing. Always a joy but rarely a reality in years gone by, I now push myself to write at least 100+ words a day. By lowering the bar from an essay to a paragraph, I’m now producing more written content than ever before.
  4. Working Out. By visiting a gym close to my house for just 25 minutes every workday morning, I’ve never been fitter or stronger. It doesn’t require an hour for me to break a wicked sweat and push my body to the max. Quick and efficient is the new name of my exercise game.
  5. Eating Better = -3 +2. Besides cutting out three of my vices (chips, fries, and sugary drinks), I’ve given myself a small and simple daily eating challenge: eat two green things. The first is usually the kale or spinach that goes into my morning smoothie, so finding a second green food somewhere in my day is relatively easy. By subtracting three items and intentionally adding two, I’m now leaner and meaner than ever. Instead of subscribing to some paradigm-shifting diet plan, I’m just taking a few small steps in the right direction. And I’m 12 pounds down from last year.
  6. Side Hustle Income. Although this is definitely not a passion project, my goal is to list or mail at least one item on eBay per day. This simple 5-minute activity keeps a few extra bucks flowing our way. It’s surprisingly encouraging and motivating.
  7. Piano Practice. My parents gave me the option to quit my lessons at age 15 or so, and predictably I’ve lived to regret it ever since. By learning and practising just one piece for a few minutes each day, I’m warming up that old muscle memory and reigniting an old passion.
  8. Reading. Every night, I make sure I read for at least a few minutes from two books on my Kindle: the first a book for my Master’s program, the second a work of fiction. By making sure this happens every night — even if it’s just a few pages from each — I’m staying solidly on track with my degree and projecting an all-time personal best for number of books finished in a year.
  9. Eyeball Time. Since Apple claimed FaceTime as its own, I use ‘Eyeball Time’ to refer to the kind of quality screen-free time required every day to cultivate intimate and meaningful relationships with my wife and stepsons. As a result, we fight hard to protect the weekday dinner hour and bedtime from screens. It’s not a ton of time. But it’s the minimum needed to keep the most important relationships in my life healthy and vibrant. If I’m not making progress on this front, nothing else matters.

Between my marriage, two adolescent stepsons, my teaching career, and Master’s studies, I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. In past seasons of life, I’d have seen this as reason enough to put my hours on cruise control, dissolving into Netflix at each day’s end and waking up lazily to the snooze button.

“So many choices to make today. And each choice I make … makes me.” — John Stackhouse

But I’ve spent enough of my life on meaningless distractions and diversions — as Jim Gaffigan so elegantly describes it, the McDonald’s of life — waiting for conditions to ripen, the waves to calm, the proverbial dust to settle perfectly before taking action and realizing my full potential as a human being.

Those days are over. I’ve discovered the exhilarating power of daily progress— the truth that small actions, taken over time, have the power to yield truly transformative results. And I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

Categories
Goals Morning Productivity Routines

7 Keys to Winning the Morning

I’ve never been much of a morning person.

I like the snooze button. For most of my existence, I’ve chosen to hurry through morning routines, cut corners on lunch prep, and eat a small snack on the run rather than wake up 30 minutes earlier.

Of course this pattern of behaviour defies common sense. It lowers quality of life. It adds unnecessary stress. But I lived this way for many years — presumably to make the most of those midnight hours and squeeze every last waking moment of productivity or amusement out of my evenings.

I’m just a night owl, I used to tell myself. This is how I’m wired.

It was in the late spring of 2017 that my thinking on morning routines finally started to evolve. Maybe it was my commute, the demands of parenting, or the growing awareness of the cognitive dissonance between the life I wanted and the life I was choosing. I wasn’t exercising consistently. I wasn’t reading or writing the way I wanted to. I often felt behind and stressed by work demands. When mornings begin with running around and a general lack of intentionality, the day tends to follow suit.

In short, my core values and life goals were suffering from a poor rhythm of life. Ultimately, the weight of my shortcomings ground into me the inescapable truth that something significant needed to change.

So it was that after years of subconscious dialogue, the radical prospect of reshaping my mornings finally became reality. In the end, it took an inspiring colleague’s example and some compelling Medium articles to get me to the tipping point. But once I was in, I was in.

I’ve set my alarm for 4:30 a.m. for just about every weekday morning since. And I seriously love what it does for me.

Of course when I tell people I wake up at 4:30 a.m. on weekdays, I often get the sort of look that considers my sanity an open question. Yes, it’s a bit extreme for most people. But I’m thoroughly sold. And I think if you give it a chance, you might just be sold as well.

You’ve heard this one before: Win the morning, win the day. Call it cliche, but it resonates powerfully with my experience. By 7:30 a.m. I’m now accomplishing a whole lot of goodness that has me feeling productive, settled, and prepared for the day. That wasn’t the case in the past.

What follows is my now-typical weekday morning before I’ve left my home for work. No, I never sat down to neurotically scheme the timeline that follows. But without watching the clock obsessively, this is reliably the way my morning unfolds:

4:30 wake up, get dressed for gym
4:35 stretching
4:40 organize office, file docs, review mail
4:45 drive to Starbucks
4:55 review goals for the day, journal
5:00 review and respond to email
5:15 evaluate assignments, plan lessons
5:45 creative writing
6:05 work out at Anytime Fitness
6:30 return home, wake up boys
6:35 make fruit smoothies, listen to scripture or inspirational content
6:45 empty dishwasher, clean sink/counter
6:50 make lunch
6:55 make bed
7:00 shower, shave, dress, sort laundry

With a start like this, this day is already well on its way to a win. All of those healthy routines and productive activities are finished — done by the same time that in past years I was just rolling out of bed to begin my normal harried scramble.

Not only am I now getting stuff done, I’m building the sorts of consistent daily routines (taking a few minutes to organize my office, sorting a few items of laundry, etc.) that prevent clutter from creeping into my world and into my brain. I’m identifying goals for the day. I’m thinking creatively. I’m working out. I’m doing so many of the things that I want to be about. And it all happens before 7:30.

It’s been an awesome experience. Now that it’s been in place for over half a year, I feel safe in saying this is going to be a permanent life change.

Clearly, there’s a price to be paid for waking up at 4:30 each weekday morning. After months of functioning this way, I’ve learned a few things about what is required to make early mornings happen. Here are 7 keys that define my formula for success.

  1. 6+ Hours of Sleep. Let’s start with the obvious. In order for me to wake up at 4:30 a.m. for five days straight, I need to be asleep by 10:30 at the latest each night. My goal is actually to be in bed with the lights out by 9:30, but six hours of sleep per night is manageable. What I have found, however, is that if I cheat on the six hour minimum for consecutive evenings, waking up early becomes very difficult indeed, and my health starts to suffer.
  2. Smarter Evenings. Since our two middle schoolers aren’t always in bed before 8:45 p.m., I only have 30–45 minutes to finish the day well and start winding down for bed. That makes the 8:45–9:30 window crucial. Ideally, it consists of turning off my phone and parking it in my office for the night, cranking out a few push-ups, showering and brushing teeth, completing my 10-minute journal, doing some reading, and connecting with my wife. Again, it’s not about watching the clock obsessively. But it is about treating this window like the precious commodity that it is.
  3. No Netflix on Weeknights. This little detail is basically covered in the previous point, but it’s such a significant sacrifice that it deserves its own item. I’ve made a few digressions on this one — like the time my wife decided to watch Saving Capitalism (I still think she was baiting me). But in general, spending 30–120 minutes watching a screen will basically guarantee a sleep-in the next morning. So I try to avoid it. Save the couch time for the weekends.
  4. No Snooze Button. To get up at this time, there’s no room for hesitation or an internal debate when the alarm sounds. I would lose that conversation and cave in every time. Instead, I quickly roll out, get to my feet, and leave the bedroom in one motion. By the time I get down the stairs to our main floor, glimmers of consciousness are starting to appear.
  5. Leave the House. After spending a few minutes in my office, I actually get in my car and drive to a Starbucks just two minutes away. This is the critical step, because it deals a death blow to any lingering temptation to go back to sleep. By heading off-campus, I’m burning my boats. There’s no sleeping at Starbucks with a fresh coffee on the table. The day is on and that is all. Twyla Tharp makes this point well in The Creative Habit.
  6. Recharge on the Weekends. To sustain five straight nights of 6–7 hours of sleep, I’ve found it’s essential to recharge on the weekends. If I can get 8+ hours of sleep on Friday and Saturday nights, I’m fully revitalized and feeling ready for another five days of 4:30 a.m. wake-ups. Or, if 8–9 hours of sleep doesn’t happen on one of those evenings, I might take a Sunday afternoon nap. The goal here is to make sure I’m not carrying any fatigue into a new week. A full recharge is essential.
  7. Go Public. Let others know of your morning commitment. As I put this audacious new habit into place last year, I quickly realized the power of accountability. By telling close friends and family of my morning routine, I was giving myself a powerful motivator to keep it up. There’s a certain satisfaction in being able to tell people that months after announcing a new resolution, you are in fact sticking to it. Harness that sense of personal pride and dignity by letting others know of your plans and then following through.

Am I a morning person? Frankly, I still don’t think so. But I’m pleased to say that I’ve finally put together the pieces necessary to win my mornings, and I’m seeing incredible benefits across all areas of my life. If your inner dialogue is prompting you to try something similar, there’s no time like the present to make the change.

If you’re in the process of making a similar shift in your mornings, I’d love to hear about your experience. Share your fails, tips, and tricks in the comments below.

Categories
Connect Time Goals Growth Mindset Productivity

My 2017 Goals in Review

2017 is breathing its last, and as it comes to a close I look back on the goals I set for this year. Goals that were met and surpassed encourage and motivate me to aim higher in 2018. Goals that were left unmet give me cause to evaluate my habits, decisions, and personal routines in order to determine where things went awry and where I can grow further in the coming year.

At the end of the post I also reflect on some of the biggest highlights that fell completely outside of my goal-setting and made 2017 a memorable year.

Financial

✓ Goal: Earn at least $1,200 in supplementary (side hustle) income. This goal was easily achieved by selling collectibles and currency coins on eBay. I expect this to continue through 2018.

✘ Goal: Sell 365+ items online. Even though I listed as many as 10 items in a single day, the average of one listed item per day was just too difficult to sustain this year. I’ll be downgrading or eliminating this goal entirely in 2018.

✘ Goal: Reduce HELOC balance by $300/month or $3,600. My wife and I have held a balance on our HELOC ever since buying our home in 2015. Unfortunately, our balance on this account went the wrong direction this year. The biggest culprits were new hardware tools, three weeks of summer camps for the boys, a week for us at a luxury resort in Vernon, a family weekend in Whistler, a new hot water tank, a semester’s worth of tuition for my Master’s degree, and flights for the family to Winnipeg at Christmas. Some of these expenditures were justified but many were not. The good news on this front is that we’ve successfully tightened our budget for the last four months of 2017 and actually saved more than we earned during that period. I’m confident we can do a lot better in 2018, even though I’ll be paying out another $6,000 in tuition.

Marital

✓ Goal: Make weekly Connect Times happen more consistently. We were able to turn this around well in the last few months of 2017 by conducting our weekly ‘Connect Time’ meetings on Saturday mornings instead of trying to pull them off in the evenings. Reviewing all of our budget areas and comparing calendars for the week ahead really helped keep us on the same page and helped us manage our money more efficiently.

✘ Goal: Plan at least one memorable date per month. I’m sad to say that this didn’t happen. Thankfully, Date Nights did happen regularly, but typically we made it up as we went. I can do better here, but it will require scheduling some planning time into my week.

Paternal

✓ Goal: Read with the boys before bed on a weekly basis. This has gone really well. I’m currently reading to both boys on Tuesday evenings: The Hobbit with Michael and This Present Darkness with Joshua.

✓ Goal: Continue monthly stepdad-stepson meetings. Our monthly dinners at Tim Hortons continued faithfully. Topics included school, friendships, finances, goals, plans, purity, and gaming. I started keeping a journal of notes from these meetings.

✓ Goal: Find more connecting points with the boys. This goal is difficult to quantify, but I think I achieved it. One fun development is that the boys are finally old enough now to handle watching more interesting movies with me. We’re also mutual fans of a growing number of YouTube channels, and we plan to do some vlogging together in 2018.

✘ Goal: Make a baby. Good news here: it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Physical

✓ Goal: Complete 12+ reps of 135 lbs. on the bench press at our annual July 1st fitness challenge. I completed 13.

✓ Goal: Bring weight down from 192 lbs. to 180. By fasting completely from chips, fries, and sugary drinks from spring break forward, I actually saw 179 on the scale one day this fall. As of this writing my weight is back in the low 180s.

✓ Goal: Work out 104+ times in 2017. I broke 104 recorded workouts, most of them taking place at Anytime Fitness locations.

✘ Goal: Do 42 pushups in one set. My max this year was 35. Two shoulder dislocations in March didn’t help, but that’s no excuse. To elevate this number further, I think I need to start doing push-ups before bed every day.

✘ Goal: Complete the Vancouver Sun Run in <50 minutes. I didn’t run it at all, thanks largely to two shoulder dislocations the month before.

✘ Goal: Reduce meat intake by 14% or more with Meatless Mondays. This started well in the first months of the year but eventually fell by the wayside. I’d like to try to get back on it in 2018.

✘ Goal: Run 3+ km an average of once/week. I only ran more than 3 km a total of six times in 2017. This has got to improve in 2018. Running at 8:00 a.m. on Sundays is the key. Clearly I’m conflicted when it comes to running.

Professional

 ✓ Goal: Begin a M. Ed. program or other certification. I began a MEdL program at VIU which is going very well.

✓ Goal: Record at least 1+ set of assessments per day during the school year. At the time of this writing, I’ve managed to record an average of at least one set of class assessments per day through the last three months of 2017.

Self-Improvement

 ✓ Goal: Write and publish 12+ blog posts. As of mid-December I had published 18 and counting. I’m dreaming big in terms of how and where to grow my writing in 2018.

✓ Goal: Discard at least one item of clothing per week. I’ve surpassed this one, but the scary thing is that it hardly feels like I’ve made a dent.

 ✓ Goal: Read 3,650+ book pages. This turned out to be a difficult goal to quantify and track, but I think I’ve achieved it. I purchased a Kindle in the fall, and it’s become a go-to before bed on a daily basis. My Master’s program has certainly pushed me in this regard.

Social/Relational

✓ Goal: Go on at least one double date per month. We’ve easily surpassed this, and it’s been great.

✓ Goal: Visit the Cavey families in Winnipeg. After three years away, we made our first family trip to Winnipeg as a married couple in December.

✓ Goal: Connect with neighbours over a meal. In mid-December we finally went on a double date with our next door neighbours. It was great to get to know them and share life stories. It turns out we have a lot in common.

Spiritual

✓ Goal: Read through the New Testament 2x, Psalms 2x, and Proverbs 12x. I was able to follow these reading plans pretty consistently by listening to the audio tracks on these reading plans using the YouVersion app each morning.

✓ Goal: Complete the Freedom Session course. This was a long course, but some valuable healing and introspection took place along the way.

✘ Goal: Complete 12+ prayer journal entries. These are page-long reflections that I write out as prayers and meditations on the state of my life. As of December 18, I had only completed eight on the year.

Home Projects

✓ Goal: Clean vinyl siding on the exterior of our house. We bought a telescopic wand/brush at the home show just for this purpose. It happened.

✓ Goal: Paint the back patio. This was done over 2-3 hot days in the summer. The colour is a bit lighter than I wanted, but our patio looks cleaner, brighter, and better-maintained than it did before.

Other Victories to Celebrate from 2017

✫ No phone at bedtime. For a range of reasons, I decided to ban my phone from the bedroom at bedtimes, leaving it on our main floor. It’s been a great experience. I now read more, engage more with my wife, and go to sleep sooner. What started as a 2-week experiment has become a permanent lifestyle change. See my Medium post about my decision to ban my phone from the bedroom.

✫ A successful change to the diet. Concerned over my rising weight and blood pressure, in the spring I decided to completely fast from my three worst vices: chips, fries, and sugary drinks. I’ve managed to keep to those rules pretty strictly and lost 12 bad pounds in the process.

✫ A new morning routine. In the spring I decided to start waking up at 4:30 a.m. every workday morning. Although there have been times where exhaustion, stress, or poor health has taken me off this routine, I’ve managed to keep it pretty consistently for the balance of the calendar year. My morning hour spent at Starbucks gives me amazing creativity and productivity, and this routine also ensures I get 20-30 minutes in at Anytime Fitness before returning home around 6:35 a.m. to officially start preparing for the day. I hope this will remain a life habit.

✫ A bedtime journal. I started doing some handwritten journaling and reflecting before bed, using the Tim Ferriss 5-minute journal as a guide. Although I’ve only used it about a dozen times, it gives me a starting point for 2018. Eventually I would like this to become an every-night ritual. It’s so good for the mind and spirit.

 ✫ A new canoe. Our family got an amazing deal on a good canoe, and we enjoyed some quality canoe adventures at Widgeon Creek and English Bay. Watching the Celebration of Light fireworks display from nearby on the ocean surface was an awesome experience.

✫ Three days of paddleboarding. While the boys were away at a camp on Vancouver Island, my wife and I spent days paddleboarding at Ambleside Beach, Alouette Lake, and the Burrard Inlet. My favourite experience was paddling down the Indian Arm, exploring islands together and enjoying a still day on the ocean.

 ✫ Best hike ever. In August I hiked Panorama Ridge in Garibaldi Provincial Park (near Whistler, BC), producing some of the most beautiful views of any hike I’ve ever done.

✫ The ISTE conference in San Antonio, TX. At the end of June, I and two colleagues were privileged to spend about six days in San Antonio at the largest education technology conference in the world. It was an awesome experience and I hope to visit the conference again some time.

✫ Books completed in 2017:

  1. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (Carol Dweck)
  2. The Tech-Wise Family (Andy Crouch)
  3. The Reason You Walk (Wab Kinew)
  4. Cold, Hard Truth (Kevin O’Leary)
  5. Classroom Management in the Digital Age: Effective Practices for Technology-Rich Learning Spaces (Heather Dowd)
Categories
Education Growth Mindset Lifelong Learners Mindset

29 Essential Quotes from Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Mindset is one of those books that has the power to powerfully change all of your most important beliefs and perspectives: the way you view yourself, others, and what is possible. Although the concepts around growth mindset are especially relevant to educators, we are called to be learners and we all have the potential to grow. This book has permanently changed the way I view myself and I believe it might do the same for you. I definitely recommend it.

From the 2016 updated edition, here are (what I believe are) the 29 most significant highlights from Carol Dweck’s Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

  1. “The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you live your life.” (p.6)
  2. “This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others. Although people may differ in every which way – in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments – everyone can change and grow through application and experience.” (p.7)
  3. “You can see how the belief that cherished qualities can be developed creates a passion for learning. Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” (p.7)
  4. “In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort. In the other world, effort is what makes you smart or talented.” (p.16)
  5. “People in a growth mindset don’t just seek challenge, they thrive on it. The bigger the challenge, the more they stretch.” (p.21)
  6. “When do people with the fixed mindset thrive? When things are safely within their grasp. If things get too challenging – when they’re not feeling smart or talented – they lose interest.” (p.22)
  7. “In the growth mindset, it’s almost inconceivable to want something badly, to think you have a chance to achieve it, and then do nothing about it.” (p.44)
  8. “You can look back and say, “I could have been …,” polishing your unused endowments like trophies. Or you can look back and say, “I gave my all for the things I valued.” Think about what you want to look back and say. Then choose your mindset.
  9. “… even when you think you’re not good at something, you can still plunge into it wholeheartedly and stick to it. Actually, sometimes you plunge into something because you’re not good at it. This is a wonderful feature of the growth mindset. You don’t have to think you’re already great at something to want to do it and to enjoy doing it.” (p.53)
  10. “People are all born with a love of learning, but the fixed mindset can undo it. Think of a time when you were enjoying something – doing a crossword puzzle, playing a sport, learning a new dance. Then it became hard and you wanted out. Maybe you suddenly felt tired, dizzy, bored, or hungry. Next time this happens, don’t fool yourself. It’s the fixed mindset. Put yourself in a growth mindset. Picture your brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going.” (p.53)
  11. “The students with growth mindset completely took charge of their learning and motivation. Instead of plunging into unthinking memorization of the course material, they said: “I looked for themes and underlying principles across lectures,” and “I went over mistakes until I was certain I understood them.” They were studying to learn, not just to ace the test. And, actually, this was why they got higher grades – not because they were smarter or had a better background in science.” (p.61)
  12. “Just because some people can do something with little or no training, it doesn’t mean that others can’t do it (and sometimes do it even better) with training. This is so important, because many, many people with the fixed mindset think that someone’s early performance tells you all you need to know about their talent and their future.” (p.70)
  13. “Do you label your kids? This one is the artist and that one is the scientist. Next time, remember that you’re not helping them – even though you may be praising them … Find a growth-mindset way to compliment them.” (p.81)
  14. “Those with the growth mindset found setbacks motivating. They’re informative. They’re a wake-up call.” (p.99)
  15. “If the wrong kinds of praise lead kids down the path of entitlement, dependence, and fragility, maybe the right kinds of praise can lead them down the path of hard work and greater hardiness.” (p.137)
  16. “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence – like a gift – by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong. If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.” (p.179-180)
  17. “One more thing about praise. When we say to children, “Wow, you did that so quickly!” or “Look, you didn’t make any mistakes!” what messages are we sending? We are telling them that what we prize are speed and perfection. Speed and perfection are the enemy of difficult learning: “If you think I’m smart when I’m fast and perfect, I’d better not take on anything challenging.” (p.182)
  18. “Many educators think that lowering their standards will give students success experiences, boost their self-esteem, and raise their achievement. It comes from the same philosophy as the overpraising of students’ intelligence. Well, it doesn’t work. Lowering standards just leads to poorly educated students who feel entitled to easy work and lavish praise.” (p.196)
  19. “The great teachers believe in the growth of the intellect and talent, and they are fascinated with the process of learning.” (p.197)
  20. “Great teachers set high standards for all their students, not just the ones who are already achieving.” (p.200)
  21. “When students don’t know how to do something and others do, the gap seems unbridgeable. Some educators try to reassure their students that they’re fine just as they are. Growth-minded teachers tell students the truth and then give them the tools to close the gap.” (p.203)
  22. “So, are great teachers born or made? … It starts with the growth mindset – about yourself and about children. Not just lip service to the idea that all children can learn, but a deep desire to reach in and ignite the mind of every child.” (p.205)
  23. “A growth mindset is about believing people can develop their abilities. It’s that simple.” (p.215)
  24. “Let’s be totally clear here. We as educators must take seriously our responsibility to create growth-mindset-friendly environments – where kids feel safe from judgment, where they understand that we believe in their potential to grow, and where they know that we are totally dedicated to collaborating with them on their learning. We are in the business of helping kids thrive, not finding reasons why they can’t.” (p.217)
  25. “It’s the parents who respond to their children’s setbacks with interest and treat them as opportunities for learning who are transmitting a growth mindset to their children. These parents think setbacks are good things that should be embraced, and that setbacks should be used as a platform for learning.” (p.219)
  26. “People with a growth mindset are also constantly monitoring what’s going on, but their internal monologue is not about judging themselves and others in this way. Certainly they’re sensitive to positive and negative information, but they’re attuned to its implications for learning and constructive action: What can I learn from this? How can I improve? How can I help my partner do this better?” (p.225)
  27. “Maggie’s internal monologue used to say: Don’t do it. Don’t take a writing class. Don’t share your writing with others. It’s not worth the risk. Your dream could be destroyed. Protect it.” (p.227)
  28. “Instead of being held captive by some intimidating fantasy about the Great Writer, the Great Athlete, or the Great Genius, the growth mindset gave them the courage to embrace their own goals and dreams. And more important, it gave them a way to work toward making them real.” (p.228)
  29. “Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. It’s about seeing things in a new way. When people – couples, coaches and athletes, managers and workers, parents and children, teachers and students – change to a growth mindset, they change from a judge-and-be-judged framework to a learn-and-help-learn framework. Their commitment is to growth, and growth takes plenty of time, effort, and mutual support to achieve and maintain.” (p.254)

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Categories
Family Legacy Tribute

Celebrating my Dad

A few months ago, I was honoured to share a short tribute at my father’s retirement celebration from Faith Academy, an independent K-12 school in Winnipeg where he had served as principal and director for 25 years. I’m posting my words from the video tribute below, partly to honour his legacy and preserve part of his story for future generations of Caveys.

As I think about my Dad’s career at Faith Academy, a few highlights stand out. As a Grade 8 student back in the days when our Jefferson campus housed the entire school, I remember well the strange new experience of seeing Dad walk the halls as principal. Although he was new to education, Dad projected the sort of strong leadership that the school needed and my peers respected.

Later, in my university years, I remember working at the Stonewall campus of Faith Academy. Of course I was known there as Mr. Cavey, and so on the days when Dad visited the school, he was referred to by some of the kids as “Mr. Cavey’s dad.” A few years later, I was thrilled to accept my first Faith Academy teaching contract. Although it wasn’t my dad that interviewed me, he was very clear that he was proud of the track my own career was taking at that time.

My dad’s legacy at Faith Academy makes me very proud. When I think of his years of service, the words that come to mind are faithfulness, integrity, and compassion. I know Dad’s serious demeanour could intimidate some, but those that were privileged to work with him for any length of time would observe how kind and caring he was. Dad’s also been a very principled leader, keeping the school on solid financial footing and making the sorts of decisions that protect the school community. Most importantly, I think Dad has helped cast a vision for Faith Academy’s unique mission and calling in Winnipeg.

Dad, you continue to inspire me personally and professionally. Congratulations on a well-deserved retirement.

Categories
Communication Smartphones Technology

Living in the Moment with my Phone

Smartphones are amazing. And alarming. They allow us to do so much, yet limit how much we can do. Since the appearance of the first iPhone in 2007, we’ve experienced a cultural shift the size and speed of which rivals anything in recorded history.

In the space of a few years, these shiny little computers have become ubiquitous across the culture. As recently as the year 2000 they were nonexistent. In 2010 they were a novelty. By 2020 there will be virtually no productive adults in society without one.

Of course this current state of being has been oft-repeated and much discussed over the last decade. It’s a conversation not about to go away any time soon. I won’t belabour the point by listing the endless conveniences offered or distractions created by these devices. You’ve heard it all before.

With this massive cultural shift comes questions around norms. How do phones change the rules of social behaviour? It seems every other person has strong opinions in this area. You’ve heard many of them: no phones at the dinner table, don’t acknowledge your phone in the middle of a face-to-face conversation, don’t break up by text message. These three particular examples enjoy broad social consensus because they appear to place higher value on actual human interactions over virtual ones. A good thing, to be sure.

I guess the suggested norms that I’m most resistant to argue that the mere presence of a phone is enough to degrade so-called “real life” experiences. You’ve heard these suggestions, too: writing with a pen on paper is more intimate than typing on a device, reading paper versions of religious texts is more meaningful than reading those same texts on a screen, walking on a beach at sunset is more wonderful without the option of snapping a picture.

In the age of organic, phones are GMO.

This is the religious orthodoxy of what I will call the school of real-life purism. These self-appointed defenders of real life are often – although not always – Luddite in their attitudes to technology in general. Nature good, technology bad. Pen good, keyboard bad. Conversations good, FaceTime bad. And so on. These critics feign a sort of low-key, casual ignorance around technology, but press them enough and you’ll unearth a strongly held distaste for devices of any kind.

For the most orthodox of the screen-free variety, it boils down to this: technology is stealing away our very lives. It’s tearing at the fabric of our human existence. In somber tones they lament the day when missing an exit on a freeway in a strange place might cost a stop at a gas station to ask for directions. Look what Google Maps has cost us in human interactions, they protest. They’ll shake their heads at all the transit passengers with music in their ears, mourning all those lost conversations between strangers. They’ll decry the death of the newspaper, assuming that journalism is disappearing instead of evolving.

Some of these arguments have a small seed of validity, just enough of a semblance of truth to make us feel guilty about our use of devices. But it’s easy to romanticize and overstate the qualities of life before smartphones. I remember well the transit norms of yesteryear, and they didn’t include an expectation to strike up conversations with strangers on the bus. No, Grandpa didn’t start the day with his head buried in a screen. But he sure liked his morning newspaper. Contrary to what you might think, recent studies show that modern dads spend more quality one-on-one interaction time with their children than the dads of 50 years ago. It seems technology hasn’t destroyed us just yet.

One of my favourite points of contention with the most orthodox of these real life purists is their supposition that to be fully present in a moment demands the phone be put away. (Thankfully my wife isn’t one of them.) I love photography. I enjoy the thrill of the capture. And I like seeing the captures of others. And so when I’m on a paddleboard at sunset, when I’m biking the seawall, or when I’m hiking a mountain, you’d better believe I’ll have my phone with me.

Does that mean I’m somehow less present in the experience? I think not. In fact, I like to argue that my loves of photography and Instagram makes me more observant, more curious, more easily delighted by the small details of everyday life.

My personal rationale is simple: I use technology to amplify experiences. I use technology to document them. To comment on them. To organize them, share them, and recall them conveniently. Ask a no-device purist what they did in March of 2012 or August of 2014. If they’re human, that mental recall might be tricky. But without checking to be sure, I know my chain of daily photos will tell me exactly where I was, what I was doing, and what was interesting during those months. My digital footprint is recording the story of my life.

No, I’m not advocating for a mindless embrace of all things digital and shiny. Clearly we need to defend human relationships where they are threatened by digital activities. We need to discriminate in terms of our application of screens. We need to be mindful of how our devices shape our time and money expenditures. We need to focus on applying technology in ways that solve problems, create beauty, and build relationships.

But let’s not make the false distinction between technology and so-called “real life.” Let’s not treat technology as more powerful than the medium that it is. The humans are still in charge, and it’s still entirely possible to be fully present, to fully experience relationships, to remain fully alive in the Digital Age.

Categories
Communication Connect Time Marriage

Start a Weekly Connect Time

In Our Top Ten Marriage Hacks, I mentioned the importance of setting aside some time for a weekly meeting with your marriage partner. Getting on the same page with calendars, money, decisions, and vision for the future doesn’t always happen by accident. It takes intentional planning.

Based on our current lives, Sunday nights after the kids are in bed tend to be the best times to make Connect Time materialize. It might be another day or time for you, but let me encourage you to give this Connect Time agenda a try. It’s not sexy or fun, and you’ll never feel like doing it when it’s 9:00 p.m. and you’re feeling tired. But just like going to the gym, it’s a decision that you never regret.

Here it is: our weekly Connect Time agenda.

1. Financial Review.

We look at the balance of every one of our accounts and carefully update our current spending in every budget category for the month. Do we need to rein things in on restaurants? Can we afford any more clothes this month? How will we pay for the trip to the Island in a few weeks? Are we hitting our savings or debt reduction goals? There’s no way to overstate the value of being on the same financial page.

2. Preview the Week.

She’s going out with her sister on Tuesday night. I’m picking up the boys on Friday. The boys have a band concert on Thursday. When you leave all this stuff ’til the day of, it inevitably creates frustration. Once you figure out that differing expectations are one of the chief sources of stress in marriage, you’ll see the value of syncing calendars (for us, this means sharing our Google Calendars) and having this weekly discussion. Just like money, time is a commodity that must be managed with care for the other.

3. Plan Friday Family Nights.

Actually sitting down to set this in motion in advance a) raises anticipation for the family and b) improves the quality of the activity. One of our best Friday Family Nights this year was when I set up a game of Sardines – just the way I used to play it back in my old youth group days. I talked up the game all week but refused to tell the boys exactly what it was. Once Friday night rolled around and we actually played Sardines, the boys ate it up. It was a memorable night.

4. Plan the next Saturday Date Night.

Thanks to some amazing grandparents who take our kiddos for a weekly sleepover on Saturdays, we usually have a designated date night. As with Family Nights, advance planning tends to produce better outcomes here.

5. Plan the Next Double Date.

Let’s face it: most couples have full calendars. Texting “You guys up for something tonight?” to friends at the last minute doesn’t usually produce what you might hope. Our best double date so far this year was planned over a month in advance. Make the investments you need to in order to nurture supportive relationships outside of the marriage.

6. Discuss Relevant Items.

Whether it’s reviewing the family policy on sleepovers, revising the boys’ screen time, or considering a major purchase, we discuss everything else that matters to us here. We keep a live agenda in a Google Doc that we can both contribute to throughout the week. That way, issues that are worthy of thoughtful discussion don’t get continually ignored or pushed to the periphery by the business of life.

7. Prayer Time.

My wife and I share a faith in Jesus. Although this won’t apply to everyone, praying together is an opportunity to surrender issues to God, seek his leading, and get on the same spiritual page. It’s powerful and rewarding.

There you have it – our weekly Connect Time Agenda. If you found any of this helpful or objectionable, I’d love to hear about it. Please comment below.