Tim Cavey

It really can be this good.

That’s what I keep telling myself, incredulous, as my wife and I embark on our third year of marriage. Simply put, she makes me happy every single day.

Not that either of us took the easy route to get here. We each survived some gut-wrenching disappointments and dark days prior to our marriage. But every failure in life is an opportunity to learn, and I think our past mistakes only helped to produce a clearer vision for the happy and fulfilling relationship that we currently enjoy.

I could go on about how sweet it truly is, but know that that undue elaboration can have a nauseating effect on people. I get it. Just trust me when I say that things are very good.

Now, on to some of the practical strategies that are working well for us. Right from first contact three years ago (we met online), our marriage has been thoughtful and intentional. Both of our personalities incline toward healthy structures and routines. We agree that – as with most areas of life – success dearly depends on consistent, incremental investment, even when we don’t feel like it. Especially when we don’t feel like it.

One more disclaimer. Not every couple will be able to manage every one of these marriage hacks – due to a variety of life circumstances and realities. Neither do my wife and I hit the bull’s eye 100% of the time. So we certainly can’t judge anyone else for not hitting these consistently, nor do we have any interest in doing so. Please don’t imagine me wagging a finger at anyone. Far from it: I’m a certified past failure, so I write from a place of humility.

I share these suggestions out of a sense of genuine happiness and deep fulfillment. I feel like my wife and I have found the land of plenty, and we genuinely wish the same for you. Even if you don’t agree with or accept every one of these hacks, I trust you’ll find a seed of something interesting that might in some small way take root in your own marriage relationship.

Enjoy.

Our Top Ten Marriage Hacks

1. Kiss. A Lot.

My wife and I have this little thing where if we sense the slightest degree of tension or distance, we call an audible: “Time for an update.” A quick peck is a simple but powerful way to recharge affection. Think about assembling furniture, completing tax forms, shopping at Costco with the kids, or the myriad of other joy-sucking tasks that couples must do in order to have a sane life. The Update Kiss is great at keeping things as light and fun as possible even in the middle of these first world drudgeries.

Still on the kissing theme, we also try to fit in at least one 15-second kiss a day. I can’t remember where I first read about the power of a 15-second kiss, but I can tell you it’s effective. Worst case scenario: we’re in a great emotional space. Best case scenario: the 15 seconds goes into overtime.

2. Take Selfies.

Memories are great, but pictures help to preserve them. If you’re the type to snort in righteous indignation at the idea of whipping out your smartphone, get over yourself. The Story of Us built into every marriage is a critical resource to turn to when life gets busy and stresses mount. Scrolling back through our Google Photos or social media feeds never fails to remind us why we’re crazy about each other. Invest regularly in the narrative.

3. Work Out Together.

This may be as simple as going for a walk, but exercising together is a great opportunity to disconnect from phones, get the blood pumping, improve cardio, and generally feel better about your body image. It’s fun, it’s bonding, and it relieves stress. More intense workouts demand the post-workout showers, which in turn can lead to even more workouts.

4. Share Finances.

Money fights and money problems are the number one cause of divorce. When I married two years ago, “I” became “us” and “my” became “our.” Yes, managing money together is hard work. It requires trust, transparency, communication, and compromise – and that’s partly the point. Besides, every major decision has financial implications. Planning our monthly budget is about more than just money: it’s also about planning our lives.

5. Go to Bed Together (Naked).

Sure, I understand that shift workers get a pass on this one. But two years into our marriage, my wife and I battle hard to go to bed at the same time and I’d say we’ve been 99% successful. No, I don’t always feel like going to bed when she’s ready to hit the hay (and vice versa). But the benefits are significant. Pillow talk is emotionally intimate, and regular non-sexual touching is important in a way that is hard to calculate. And let’s state the obvious: if you go to bed together naked, good things happen. It’s sad but true that in this age of busy schedules and endless on-demand entertainment, couples aren’t having the sex they can and should be having. And that comes at a cost.

6. No One Sleeps on the Couch. Ever.

Still on the bed theme, we try to deal with arguments and fights immediately. We put out sparks before they become forest fires. If we’re not okay at bed time, we get after it: talk it out, hug it out, cry it out – whatever. But we don’t brush off offenses only to see them fester and produce more ill will the following day. That’s a recipe for trouble.

7. Date Night.

It’s cliche, but critically important. Be intentional about getting out of the house and doing things together at least once a week. Make the necessary investments to build some new memories and share adventures. Consistent boredom doesn’t produce anything good.

8. Device-Free Dinners.

My wife and I both love our phones. But it’s important to preserve some sacred Eyeball Time each day. Dinner time is really the best time of the day for the whole family to make eye contact and talk together. We don’t leave the TV on or keep distracting devices around the table during this time. We fight to protect it.

9. Stay Soft with Each Other.

Remain vigilant against sarcasm, name-calling, and resentment. These things can creep in subtly, so call them out when you see them. Zero tolerance. If the other person is sorely testing your patience, start with the basics: drink some water, eat something, use the bathroom, go for a walk. Don’t allow your body’s weaknesses to make you into a meanie.

10. Weekly Connect Time.

We’ve picked Sunday nights as the best night to do Connect Times. After the boys are in bed, we sit down with our laptops and we’re all business. We go through a set agenda that covers our financial picture, calendars, current challenges, and prayer. Again, varying expectations between partners can be a huge source of stress in marriages. Our Connect Time lets us cut those off before they become beasts. (More on Connect Time in another post.)

There you have it – our Top Ten Marriage Hacks. If you found any of this helpful or objectionable, I’d love to hear about it. Please comment below.

Right now I’m 90 pages into a book by Laura Vanderkam called 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. This book has profoundly challenged me to use my time more wisely and efficiently – among other things, to focus my time more squarely on passions and core competencies instead of drudgeries and activities that don’t advance my core values and objectives.

So far in 168 Hours, one of Vanderkam’s best observations is the idea that “Oh, I don’t have time for that” is almost never true. Laura points out that if your basement suddenly flooded, you would instantly find the 5-10 hours necessary to do what it took to restore order to your home and repair the damage. You’d just have to. Other things in your schedule would simply have to shove over and make room.

On the flip side, if someone asked you if you had 5-10 hours this week to start training for a 10K run or begin learning a new language, you might drop the “I don’t have time” line. But that wouldn’t be exactly true. What would be true is that these proposed activities wouldn’t figure high enough on your priority list – your actual priority list – to make the cut for your week.

At a later date, I look forward to posting a full report of gems and highlights from the book. I think she’s fantastic. But for today, I’m going to apply what I’ve read so far by setting some personal short-term goals. Because this is the first post in what I hope will become a helpful online journal of sorts, I have no following and therefore no audience. So the accountability (and potential embarrassment) factors will be quite low.

Today is my first official day of a two-week spring break. I have ten weekdays at my disposal: five spent at home with family, and five with my wife and boys at work and school. I will consider these ten days a success if all or most of the following objectives are met within each day:

Familial: Spend at least one hour of quality family time (ie. one common activity, no screens involved, not including meals).
Financial: List 1+ item on eBay.
Marital: Connect meaningfully with my wife in some way (conversation, gift, note, activity, etc.).
Professional: Evaluate and record marks for two class assignments.
Professional: Take one step (however small) towards furthering my education.
Organizational: File 1+ item in my office. Leave the office generally more ordered than it was the day before.
Physical: Complete a full exercise routine (despite recently dislocating my shoulder).
Personal: Read 10+ pages of nonfiction.
Spiritual: Complete an assigned portion of Bible reading, write a short journal entry in response, and spend some time in prayer.
Spiritual: Write one blog post.

I may come back to this post and record my results. But in any case, completion of these ten goals will represent hours very well spent, produce a high amount of satisfaction, and advance my life values and objectives. Here’s to some good intentions.