If it’s a relationship that matters, make the time for it.
“We really need to have a conversation about this.”
“I really wish I was spending more time with my family.”
“Hey, it was great to run into you! Let’s meet for coffee some time soon.”
They’re all touching expressions of interest, and they’re often heartfelt. But they simply don’t materialize.
Days pass into weeks, and weeks pass into months. Old patterns resume. And like a receding fog, hopes and wishes slip away into the oblivion of time.
You know what they say — the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And when it comes to relationships that matter, wishes are usually not enough.
The good news? Your calendar just may be the solution.
5 Calendar Tips and Strategies to Consider
Okay, so up to this point you’ve largely ignored the calendars in your phone. You’ve added a few birthdays, and maybe your cousin’s wedding.
But you’ve never really used your calendar to actually do life.
Here’s where I would start.
1. Share your calendar with your partner.
“Google Calendar saved our marriage,” my friend Julia once told me. And I completely get it.
It’s never fun to be surprised by your partner’s activities or obligations during the week, which is why Kristine and I share Google calendars. We also make it a point to sit down together every weekend to talk through the week ahead.
I’ve even taken the additional step of turning on email notifications on for my wife’s calendar, which produces an email notification every time she adds or changes an event. Some might curse the number of emails that generates, but that’s how much I value the life synchronization.
You’re planning on meeting your girlfriends on Sunday? Got it. I’ll need to pick up the boys on Wednesday night? No problem. We’ve got a family celebration across town all Saturday afternoon? Cool.
Just don’t tell me these things at the last minute. That’s all I ask.
I believe most of marital harmony is really just communication about expectations. Seriously.
So eliminate surprises. Communicate often, share your calendars, and get in sync.
2. Actually respect your scheduled events.
When I was first warming up to my Google Calendar, I’d pencil in my good intentions — only to ignore them or push them quickly aside if something better came along.
Don’t do that. Instead, be intentional. If it’s an important ritual or practice, pencil it in and try hard to respect it.
If it’s not important, or you find yourself ignoring an event repeatedly, have that real conversation with yourself about whether the relationship is actually something that you want to invest in.
3. Share the event with the people involved.
There are a ton of reasons to do this. For one, it serves as information central regarding time and location, avoiding the plethora of “Hey, what time are we meeting?” texts.
Everyone can check the event, and because it’s a living document, everyone sees the same info in real time.
Not only that, Google Calendar gives you the option of sending an additional notification every time an event is modified. New restaurant location? Send the notice with a click.
Another reason to share the event with the people involved is that everyone can see everyone else’s attendance status. Wondering who’s coming? The event makes it pretty clear.
4. RSVP.
On that last note … actually RSVP.
When sharing an event with others, I try to keep my own attendance intentions as clear and current as possible.
Let’s say that my friend declines our weekly run — regularly scheduled for this evening. When he goes to the effort of declining the (shared) event on his calendar, I don’t have to wonder about his status or try to find his last text message. It’s right there on the event. He’s not going.
5. Email directly from the event.
Another reason to share the event with the people involved is the ability to email people directly from the event. Thinking about making a change to an event three months away?
An email sent directly from the event gives all parties quick and direct access to the event info. No back and forth required.
Weekly Commitments: for the People Who Matter Most
For the relationships and rituals that matter most, make sure they’re happening at least once a week. I find that weekly meetings and routines offer a rhythm steady enough to keep these relationships vibrant and strong.
It’s easy to set these events in motion. Just pencil the slot into your Google Calendar and set it to repeat weekly. Be thoughtful about the time window and avoid designating it as an all-day event if possible. Add notes, comments, location, and relevant links or Docs.
One example of a weekly commitment I’ve made is reading to my two stepsons at bedtime. I read for about twenty minutes with each boy on Tuesday evenings.
My friend Steve reads to his girls virtually every night. That’s amazing, but I’m not out to match him. I have to do what works for our family and my schedule. And weekly works.
Weekly bedtime readings give us a frequency that is memorable, meaningful, and allows us to follow the plot from week to week. It’s something we all look forward to.
Here are other weekly commitments on my calendar that strengthen important relationships:
- Monday evenings: family board game night (about 30 minutes after dinner)
- Tuesday evenings: bedtime readings with the boys
- Wednesday mornings: weekly run on treadmill
- Thursday evenings: small group meetings
- Friday evenings: Friday Family Fun Nights
- Saturday mornings: family walk to Starbucks
- Saturday evenings: Date Night
- Sunday mornings: church with the family
Because these are all penciled in permanently, deviations are rare and we can be pretty intentional about making them happen. When we’re asked if we’re available during these times, that’s usually a short conversation. NO.
I won’t pretend to follow these routines perfectly, because I don’t. But having them on shared calendars is a pretty big step towards consistency.
Monthly Commitments: Checking In
There are other relationships that are important, but it’s simply not practical to maintain them every single week. For some of those, I set auto-repeating monthly meetings.
Some examples of monthly meetings that auto-repeat in my Google Calendar:
- phone call with an out-of-town brother
- evening meeting with three teacher friends
- Pop & Boys Night — an agenda-driven heart-to-heart update-on-life conversation with my stepsons, including “How can I be a better parent?”
- conference call with my Dad and three brothers
- Saturday morning breakfast with an uncle and cousin in another city
By setting these events to auto-repeat for the same day of each month, I keep these relationships on the radar and add some intentionality that could otherwise be lost to the distractions of life.
Your Calendar Can Strengthen Your Relationships
Sometimes it’s a relationship you’d like to cultivate. Other times, it’s a critical decision kind of conversation that you need to have with your partner (before the mental fog of sleep).
Whatever it is, your calendar can help. Make the decision to leverage the tool well, and you’ll experience the benefits of a structured, intentional life.
Because if it’s a relationship that matters, it won’t grow by itself.
You have to make the time for it.
Tim Cavey 