She’s paleo, and I’m not. But with caring communication and clear expectations of each other, we have a plan that will work for our family.
Just a Quick Run to the Grocery Store
It was a Saturday morning.
I noticed we were short on breakfast food supplies, so I headed off to our local grocery store with my younger stepson in tow.
While there, I stocked up on my breakfast staples: eggs, milk, bacon, eggs. I also grabbed a few quick and easy snacks that I know the boys like: a box of Kraft Dinner, a couple packs of cheap instant noodles, a block of marble cheese, three boxes of cereal, and a discounted birthday cake.
Not a big deal.
Frosty Reception
But it WAS a big deal.
We returned home with our booty, and Kristine wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. You know my beliefs around nutrition, she protested. Why are you choosing to poison our family?
Poison. Surely you’re hyperbolizing. Right?
Nope. My wife has some strong beliefs around food, and she felt that I was ignoring them.
It was time for a summit.
Separating Positions and Interests
It’s been 20 years since I took Introduction to Conflict Resolution in my undergrad, but I still remember the importance of the distinction between positions and interests.
In this case, our positions were obvious. I like to buy basically whatever food works — with three notable exceptions: pop, fries, and chips. My wife adheres to much stricter food doctrines.
Moments of tension between our positions was inevitable. But what were our underlying interests?
Before I go there, let me clarify Kristine’s position a little better.
What is the Paleo Diet?
Kristine’s food conscience has been gradually sharpening for years, but her convictions found new heights in June of 2016. At the time, key catalysts included Netflix documentaries that you’ve likely seen or heard of: What the Health, What’s with Wheat, and Hungry for Change, among others.
These films, along with some serious research and reading, led her to the conclusion that the Paleo Diet was the only path forward. What is Paleo, you ask?
Paleo is short for paleolithic, a reference to ancestral hunters and gatherers. The idea is that if you can’t hunt or gather it in a natural setting — don’t eat it. Even wheat that is grown as a strict monoculture doesn’t make the cut.
In practical terms, the Paleo Diet means no grains, dairy, or processed foods — especially foods containing high sugar, trans fats, sulfates, and nitrates. Meat is a go, as long as it hasn’t been processed. Think steaks and chicken, but no deli meats. Paleo Leap is a helpful resource.
Much to my chagrin, the Paleo Diet rules out a ton of my personal favorites, including milk, bagels, bread, pasta, cereal, minute rice, pizza, hot dogs, burgers, and seasoned chicken wings. Although there is much I admire about the Paleo Diet, I just can’t go all in.
We Actually Share Interests
Although our positions seemed to be pure opposites, our interests are actually not too far apart.
I actually do care about nutrition. I want all of us to be fit, healthy, and cancer-free. I don’t want our boys eating instant noodles every day. But I also put high value on convenience and taste.
Kristine cares about taste and convenience as well. Like me, she works full time and doesn’t have unlimited hours to spend in the kitchen each day. But she places higher value on nutritional principles, and by extension, the consequences of ignoring those principles.
We have other common ground, as well. Kristine is willing to occasionally make Paleo exceptions for a few special items, like her favorite ice cream. There are chinks in that armor that give me hope.
Negotiating a Food Agreement
As I’ve written here previously, I believe most marital friction happens because of miscommunication around expectations. Couples don’t always have to agree, but they do need to understand common rules of the game and have clarity around expectations of the other.
With that in mind, Kristine and I sat down to have a loving and thoughtful discussion about our family’s food.
We knew we wouldn’t see eye to eye on every point. But as long as we could build some common understandings, we knew we could live happily in the tension.
Our Family Food Agreement
And we did it. We crafted a family food agreement that we can both live by. It’s on a shared Google Doc, of course, and it starts with a nutrition mission statement:
As a family, we will eat foods that nourish our bodies, provide the foundation for a healthy lifestyle, prevent illness and disease, and allow for occasional moments of convenience, celebration, and pleasure.
That last part was from me.
Our agreement goes on to break our food into three classes:
- Class 1: Green Light. Appropriately green, these are wonderful go-to snack foods that have Mom’s full approval, foods that we’ll continue to keep stocked as often as possible. Any time we’re hungry, these are the recommended snack selections.
- Class 2: Yellow Light. These are foods that Kristine agrees to tolerate — as long as they’re only eaten occasionally (ideally once a week or less). I and the boys got some key bargaining wins here: passes on KD, noodles, cereal, bagels, and the like. (To Kristine’s credit, she’d prefer that all of the above were not allowed at all.)
- Class 3: Red Light. These are items that we can both agree will never enter our kitchen: potato chips, pop, juice (*100% pure orange juice excepted), canola oil, and vegetable oil. These items are already on my no-go list, so these were easy to agree on.
Finding Harmony in the Tension
Food is emotional. Some couples may be blessed to find themselves on precisely the same page in this area. We’re not one of them.
But it’s okay, because great marriages don’t thrive on unanimity — they thrive on love, care, trust, respect, and communication. And as with everything else in life, that’s our goal with food.
The boys and I will continue to eat cereal on occasion, and Kristine will still eat incomprehensible amounts of kale and avocado. But we will continue to love each other and share great food in the middle spaces.
Because families that eat together stay together. And that’s the most important interest of all.
We don’t agree completely on food, and we probably never will. But with caring communication and clear expectations of each other, we have a plan that will work for our family.
Tim Cavey 