Category: Relationships

Categories
Communication Connect Time Family Relationships

How to Use Your Calendar to Build Relationships

If it’s a relationship that matters, make the time for it.

Image Source: Android Authority

“We really need to have a conversation about this.”

“I really wish I was spending more time with my family.”

“Hey, it was great to run into you! Let’s meet for coffee some time soon.”

They’re all touching expressions of interest, and they’re often heartfelt. But they simply don’t materialize.

Days pass into weeks, and weeks pass into months. Old patterns resume. And like a receding fog, hopes and wishes slip away into the oblivion of time.

You know what they say — the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And when it comes to relationships that matter, wishes are usually not enough.

The good news? Your calendar just may be the solution.

5 Calendar Tips and Strategies to Consider

Okay, so up to this point you’ve largely ignored the calendars in your phone. You’ve added a few birthdays, and maybe your cousin’s wedding.

But you’ve never really used your calendar to actually do life.

Here’s where I would start.

1. Share your calendar with your partner.

“Google Calendar saved our marriage,” my friend Julia once told me. And I completely get it.

It’s never fun to be surprised by your partner’s activities or obligations during the week, which is why Kristine and I share Google calendars. We also make it a point to sit down together every weekend to talk through the week ahead.

I’ve even taken the additional step of turning on email notifications on for my wife’s calendar, which produces an email notification every time she adds or changes an event. Some might curse the number of emails that generates, but that’s how much I value the life synchronization.

You’re planning on meeting your girlfriends on Sunday? Got it. I’ll need to pick up the boys on Wednesday night? No problem. We’ve got a family celebration across town all Saturday afternoon? Cool.

Just don’t tell me these things at the last minute. That’s all I ask.

I believe most of marital harmony is really just communication about expectations. Seriously.

So eliminate surprises. Communicate often, share your calendars, and get in sync.

2. Actually respect your scheduled events.

When I was first warming up to my Google Calendar, I’d pencil in my good intentions — only to ignore them or push them quickly aside if something better came along.

Don’t do that. Instead, be intentional. If it’s an important ritual or practice, pencil it in and try hard to respect it.

If it’s not important, or you find yourself ignoring an event repeatedly, have that real conversation with yourself about whether the relationship is actually something that you want to invest in.

3. Share the event with the people involved.

There are a ton of reasons to do this. For one, it serves as information central regarding time and location, avoiding the plethora of “Hey, what time are we meeting?” texts.

Everyone can check the event, and because it’s a living document, everyone sees the same info in real time.

Not only that, Google Calendar gives you the option of sending an additional notification every time an event is modified. New restaurant location? Send the notice with a click.

Another reason to share the event with the people involved is that everyone can see everyone else’s attendance status. Wondering who’s coming? The event makes it pretty clear.

4. RSVP.

On that last note … actually RSVP.

When sharing an event with others, I try to keep my own attendance intentions as clear and current as possible.

Let’s say that my friend declines our weekly run — regularly scheduled for this evening. When he goes to the effort of declining the (shared) event on his calendar, I don’t have to wonder about his status or try to find his last text message. It’s right there on the event. He’s not going.

5. Email directly from the event.

Another reason to share the event with the people involved is the ability to email people directly from the event. Thinking about making a change to an event three months away?

An email sent directly from the event gives all parties quick and direct access to the event info. No back and forth required.

Weekly Commitments: for the People Who Matter Most

For the relationships and rituals that matter most, make sure they’re happening at least once a week. I find that weekly meetings and routines offer a rhythm steady enough to keep these relationships vibrant and strong.

It’s easy to set these events in motion. Just pencil the slot into your Google Calendar and set it to repeat weekly. Be thoughtful about the time window and avoid designating it as an all-day event if possible. Add notes, comments, location, and relevant links or Docs.

One example of a weekly commitment I’ve made is reading to my two stepsons at bedtime. I read for about twenty minutes with each boy on Tuesday evenings.

My friend Steve reads to his girls virtually every night. That’s amazing, but I’m not out to match him. I have to do what works for our family and my schedule. And weekly works.

Weekly bedtime readings give us a frequency that is memorable, meaningful, and allows us to follow the plot from week to week. It’s something we all look forward to.

Here are other weekly commitments on my calendar that strengthen important relationships:

  • Monday evenings: family board game night (about 30 minutes after dinner)
  • Tuesday evenings: bedtime readings with the boys
  • Wednesday mornings: weekly run on treadmill
  • Thursday evenings: small group meetings
  • Friday evenings: Friday Family Fun Nights
  • Saturday mornings: family walk to Starbucks
  • Saturday evenings: Date Night
  • Sunday mornings: church with the family

Because these are all penciled in permanently, deviations are rare and we can be pretty intentional about making them happen. When we’re asked if we’re available during these times, that’s usually a short conversation. NO.

I won’t pretend to follow these routines perfectly, because I don’t. But having them on shared calendars is a pretty big step towards consistency.

Monthly Commitments: Checking In

There are other relationships that are important, but it’s simply not practical to maintain them every single week. For some of those, I set auto-repeating monthly meetings.

Some examples of monthly meetings that auto-repeat in my Google Calendar:

  • phone call with an out-of-town brother
  • evening meeting with three teacher friends
  • Pop & Boys Night — an agenda-driven heart-to-heart update-on-life conversation with my stepsons, including “How can I be a better parent?”
  • conference call with my Dad and three brothers
  • Saturday morning breakfast with an uncle and cousin in another city

By setting these events to auto-repeat for the same day of each month, I keep these relationships on the radar and add some intentionality that could otherwise be lost to the distractions of life.

Your Calendar Can Strengthen Your Relationships

Sometimes it’s a relationship you’d like to cultivate. Other times, it’s a critical decision kind of conversation that you need to have with your partner (before the mental fog of sleep).

Whatever it is, your calendar can help. Make the decision to leverage the tool well, and you’ll experience the benefits of a structured, intentional life.

Because if it’s a relationship that matters, it won’t grow by itself.

You have to make the time for it.

three man sitting on gray surface
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Categories
Gaming Lifestyle Productivity Relationships

Why I Don’t Game

Confessions of a would-be gaming addict.

I love gaming. Whether they’re on my phone, my computer, or on gaming consoles made for TV, video games can be a fun, fantastic escape.

But at this point in my life, I don’t play them. At all.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This is not a self-congratulatory piece about how perfectly I spend my time. Like most of us, I have other vices — social media and Netflix being two of them.

So why the hard line on gaming?

First, let me take you on a nostalgic tour of some of my favorite gaming relationships from my distant and not-so-distant past.

Digger (1980s)

The earliest example of complete seduction by gaming that I can think of goes back to a computer game called Digger, released in 1983 by Windmill Software. I used to play it on so-called portable computers — much too large to be called laptops — that my dad brought home from work.

Digger was a Pacman-like game that involved collecting emeralds while avoiding goblins. Although simple in concept, the speed, difficulty, and intensity of the game grew with each passing level. Every time I lost my last Digger life, I began a new game with deepened resolve to improve on my best score and level.

Digger was released by Windmill Software in 1983

I could and would play Digger for hours if my parents allowed me to. 30 years after playing it, I remember the theme song and sounds of Digger like it was yesterday.

World of Warcraft (1990s)

I remember playing World of Warcraft II on desktop computers in the late 90s, during my university years. Now over 20 years old, this game from Blizzard Entertainment was a leader for its time.

When I played World of Warcraft, I was completely and utterly immersed in the game. I mean, I didn’t move, I didn’t snack, I didn’t think about anything else. My eyes darted here and there across the blue screen for hours as the mouse clicked away with constant urgency. I was all in.

As I recall them, games lasted anywhere between 1–2 hours. Inevitably, my civilization would be destroyed by another, stronger force. Dismayed, but convinced I could avoid the strategic errors of the game before, I would often start a new game and repeat the same thing all over again.

On such occasions I would typically stay up too late, defer important work, and avoid the company of others just to keep playing Warcraft.

Clash of Clans and Clash Royale (2010s)

Even in recent years, gaming has pulled me briefly into its vortex, this time on my phone. I jumped on the Clash of Clans and Clash Royale games from Supercell and found them both tremendously entertaining. These games are free to download and offer intense, competitive gameplay.

I knew I had problems with each of these games when I began paying for in-app purchases (paying real money for upgrades in resources or levels). Even worse, I found myself retreating from human company so that I could play. I was even tempted to check in on my games while at work.

Games Aren’t The Same for Everyone

This piece is not to say that gaming is morally wrong or carries some sinister power in itself. I recognize that many people enjoy a healthy and measured relationship with gaming that doesn’t encroach on more important values and priorities. But for me, the accumulation of small warning signs makes a too-compelling case to avoid games altogether.

A Losing Deal

Here, then, are the main reasons why I don’t game today.

  • The addictive quality. For me, gaming can become all-consuming in ways that other screen-related vices can’t. Your experience may be very different, but even the few and fun examples I’ve shared here reveal the compulsive power of games for me. These compulsive behaviors are typically followed by denial, dishonesty, and random disappearances — all strong signals of personal dysfunction.
  • The emotional crash. Have you noticed the irritation you face when you try to pull a gamer away from their games? Gaming tends to have that effect: it offers a nice high of stimulation but is often followed by lingering dissatisfaction. Any parent that asks gaming children to put away devices and get ready for bed is familiar with the snarly reception that can follow. I know the emotional letdown of putting the games away because I’ve lived it many times myself. It’s something I am simply a better man without.
  • The terrible return on time. Even vices like Netflix can expand my thinking or inspire imagination, and social media interactions can positively contribute to authentic human relationships. But in my experience, gaming contributes absolutely nothing of value to my life. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, but ROT (return on time) has become more important to me. Gaming is simply a bad deal.
  • Create> Consume. Just over a year ago, I decided to create more content. To take more risks. To be more vulnerable. To read more, write more, record more, publish more. And it’s been an exciting, growing, learning, and life-giving experience to do exactly that.

In stark contrast, I see gaming as the antithesis of learning, growth, and content creation. Instead of creating, it only consumes. Instead of enlightening my mind, it immerses me in a meaningless fog. Instead of contribution to community, gaming demands infinite time, energy, and resources.

Today, the choice is simple. I just don’t game at all. It’s not the conclusion everyone will or should reach.

But it’s the right path for me.

How does my journey with gaming compare with yours? If you’ve ever felt the pull of gaming, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Categories
Family Productivity Relationships Smartphones Social Media Technology Wellness

Instead of Screen Shame, Let’s Talk Screen Sense

“And every person there had their face stuck in a screen!” The last word always rings with a special condemnation.

Photo Credit: rawpixel.com

“… and all she did was stare at her phone the whole time!”

The vitriol can get pretty heated in some quarters, coming in dark looks and blasts of righteous fury that our grandparents’ media never received.

You’ve heard similar comments. Reading between the lines, they suggest that screen time is wasted time, that to use one’s phone is to be obsessed with nonsense or to be hopelessly oblivious to the real world. As people look into their black mirrors—be it a mobile device, tablet, laptop, or television — they’re trading down.

Don’t Misunderstand

Now don’t mishear me or assume you know where I’m going here. This piece is not an unqualified green light for screens at the expense of all human interaction and relationship.

I believe it’s critically important to be fully present and invested in the lives of the human beings around us. There are times to put phones away, and sensible boundaries must be drawn to protect relationships. My family observes device-free dinners, and I don’t take my phone into the bedroom at night. I’ve been known to leave my phone at home when headed out for a family time or date night.

We’re doing the next generation a great disservice if we model an always on, always connected, screens-over-people lifestyle.

The Digital World IS the World

That said, the fact is that the digital world has become our world. Our relationship with screens is not some passing fad — it’s here to stay. Those of us that rely on devices for work may interact intermittently with screens throughout most or all of our waking days. And as we move forward, screen time will only continue to grow in ways that we cannot fully imagine or understand today.

Some of the apps that I spend the most time on each day, like Google Drive and Docs, are only a dozen years old. Where will we be in another dozen years? None of us can predict with certainty. What we do know with certainty is that digital technology and the infrastructure that supports it keeps improving. Your next phone will likely live on a 5G network, for example.

But wait — I’m not done.

Not Acceptance by Inevitability

The point here is not to simply throw our hands in the air and accept the onslaught of screens saying “See, we had no choice!” This is not a message of resigned acceptance by inevitability.

The deeper point to be made here is that screen time is more complex, more nuanced than we would like it to be.

By nature, we gravitate toward simple explanations of life. That’s why black and white dichotomies are so popular.

Here’s one you’ve heard: book time = good, screen time = bad.

Put under closer scrutiny, that rule just doesn’t hold any water. Reading a book can be a wonderful, intellectually stimulating act. Yet it can also be socially isolating and strictly consumptive. Depending on the content (as online), the effect can also be as morally corrupting or mind-numbing as any other medium (think Mein Kampf).

Is reading a book time well spent? As it turns out, the answer depends on context and content.

Screen Complexity

And so it is with screen time. It comes in many shades and varieties of value and virtue. Creation is different than consumption, interaction is different than isolation, and function is different than addiction. But all can happen on screens.

In any given day, I use screens to journal, set goals, check calendar events, read scripture, evaluate student work, plan lessons, write articles, edit audio recordings, publish podcasts, engage with other educators, message family and friends, read and write emails, manage shopping lists, order coffee, book reservations, record great quotes, take and share notes, listen to podcasts, manage finances, track my fitness, FaceTime my parents, follow the news, record photos and video, enjoy movies with my family, read books, and on and on I could go.

I’ve got to be real with you here. Even as I browsed my devices to compile that list, I had to fight the screen guilt. Which is kind of funny, but not.

Because when I scan that list of activities — far from an inclusive list, mind you — there’s nothing there that I would change. There’s nothing on that list that’s addictive, destructive, or damaging. It’s just what my life looks like in 2018. In fact, many of those activities actually facilitate some of my life’s most meaningful moments, achievements, and relationships.

Screen time conversations are never easy. As spouses, parents, friends, educators, and leaders, we must make thoughtful decisions around technology — for ourselves and often for others — on a daily basis.

Screen Guilt is Not the Solution

Whatever choices we make, living in a constantly conflicted state of guilt about screen time cannot be the solution. Instead, it’s about using screens strategically: creating more than consuming, connecting more than isolating, educating more than entertaining. It’s about deploying technology to strengthen our communities instead of weakening them, and building relationships instead of destroying.

It’s about living with screens judiciously. Transparently. Unapologetically.

Because it’s not about screen shame. It’s about screen sense.