Tag: Family

Categories
Family Legacy Social Media

Why You Should Preserve Your Family History

We’re undervaluing the legacy possibilities of digital media.

Bert and Eileen Cavey, my paternal grandparents

I miss my grandparents — all four of them.

On my dad’s side were Bert (1998) and Eileen (2009) Cavey, and on my mom’s, Jim (2003) and June (1991) McAlpine. I loved these four to the extent that a kid can love his grandparents when separated by 2,100 kilometres.

All four have been gone for a while now, but I’m old enough to remember warm memories and exchanges with each of them. I treasure those random slices of personal history, even as they blur and fade with each passing year.

I wish so much that they were still around. What would it be like to sit down and discuss life with each of them today? I’d love for them to meet my wife and my stepsons, to see my home, to visit the place where I teach.

There’d be a shift from amazement to horror, no doubt, when I tell them the market value — and then the principal owing — on my Vancouver-area home. No doubt they would each have some sage advice for my family life, my career, and the career choices of my wife and stepsons.

They’d be mystified by the hours we spend interacting with screens today, I’m sure. But both my grandfathers would also be secretly impressed, I’d like to think, by the frank level of dialogue that holds forth at our device-free family dinners.

They’d likely be surprised to learn that we’ve dispensed with the once-wonder of cable TV, but relieved to see news now available from a multitude of sources day and night on YouTube.

They’d probably be bothered by the improprieties of our non-denominational church, but hopefully they’d also be pleased by the warmth of community and quality of relationships that we experience there as well.

Silent Memories

Thinking about my grandparents makes me wish that I could consume their content. I wish I could bring up their channel on YouTube and peruse their videos for the hundredth time. I wish I could scroll their Instagram feeds — stretching back to WWII. I wish I could explore their blog posts, and read their articles, and listen to their podcasts.

I mean, just to have the opportunity, the chance, the choice … to go for a drive today and play an audio selection from my Grandpa. From the cloud to my phone — quick and easy. That’d be pretty awesome.

Of course I can’t do that today, and neither can you. Because this internet thing is still, remarkably, only 25 years old.

Building Legacy is Easy

Photo by Tanner Van Dera on Unsplash

Today’s incredible ease of access to the internet gives us new options. Unlike our grandparents’ generation, we possess all the platforms and tools to let our voice be virtually heard for years and generations to come. We are free to create, design, photograph, perform, speak, and record video in ways that can be enjoyed and interpreted in perpetuity, rendered in digital qualities that withstand the degrading ravages of time.

We have the choice, the means, the power to craft and preserve meaningful digital legacies.

Many of us will say that we don’t want to. We might feel reluctant to step up to the stage, to grab the mic, to pick up the pen, to type some thoughts and hit publish.

We feel as though we have nothing to say, that we have nothing of importance or value to add to this world.

But I say that we do — we all have something to say, to create, to express. Because it’s not really about the striking quality of your ideas, so much as it is about their origin.

It’s about YOU.

Think of your grandparents. Did they feel a similar shyness about expressing their voice? They may have, and yet how amazing would it be today to explore their videos, to relive their joys and passions, to get a sense of their goals and dreams, to understand their heart and concern for others in the world around them.

It would be amazing to understand them better, and in that journey, to understand ourselves better, too.

That. THAT is the gift that the internet offers us and our descendants today. Let’s not let it pass us by.

Categories
Communication Family Food Marriage Nutrition

High Steaks: One Family’s Quest to Navigate Nutrition

She’s paleo, and I’m not. But with caring communication and clear expectations of each other, we have a plan that will work for our family.

Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash

Just a Quick Run to the Grocery Store

It was a Saturday morning.

I noticed we were short on breakfast food supplies, so I headed off to our local grocery store with my younger stepson in tow.

While there, I stocked up on my breakfast staples: eggs, milk, bacon, eggs. I also grabbed a few quick and easy snacks that I know the boys like: a box of Kraft Dinner, a couple packs of cheap instant noodles, a block of marble cheese, three boxes of cereal, and a discounted birthday cake.

Not a big deal.

Frosty Reception

But it WAS a big deal.

We returned home with our booty, and Kristine wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. You know my beliefs around nutrition, she protested. Why are you choosing to poison our family?

Poison. Surely you’re hyperbolizing. Right?

Nope. My wife has some strong beliefs around food, and she felt that I was ignoring them.

It was time for a summit.

Separating Positions and Interests

It’s been 20 years since I took Introduction to Conflict Resolution in my undergrad, but I still remember the importance of the distinction between positions and interests.

Source: The Network University

In this case, our positions were obvious. I like to buy basically whatever food works — with three notable exceptions: pop, fries, and chips. My wife adheres to much stricter food doctrines.

Moments of tension between our positions was inevitable. But what were our underlying interests?

Before I go there, let me clarify Kristine’s position a little better.

What is the Paleo Diet?

Photo by Jakub Kapusnak on Unsplash

Kristine’s food conscience has been gradually sharpening for years, but her convictions found new heights in June of 2016. At the time, key catalysts included Netflix documentaries that you’ve likely seen or heard of: What the Health, What’s with Wheat, and Hungry for Change, among others.

These films, along with some serious research and reading, led her to the conclusion that the Paleo Diet was the only path forward. What is Paleo, you ask?

Paleo is short for paleolithic, a reference to ancestral hunters and gatherers. The idea is that if you can’t hunt or gather it in a natural setting — don’t eat it. Even wheat that is grown as a strict monoculture doesn’t make the cut.

In practical terms, the Paleo Diet means no grains, dairy, or processed foods — especially foods containing high sugar, trans fats, sulfates, and nitrates. Meat is a go, as long as it hasn’t been processed. Think steaks and chicken, but no deli meats. Paleo Leap is a helpful resource.

Much to my chagrin, the Paleo Diet rules out a ton of my personal favorites, including milk, bagels, bread, pasta, cereal, minute rice, pizza, hot dogs, burgers, and seasoned chicken wings. Although there is much I admire about the Paleo Diet, I just can’t go all in.

We Actually Share Interests

Although our positions seemed to be pure opposites, our interests are actually not too far apart.

I actually do care about nutrition. I want all of us to be fit, healthy, and cancer-free. I don’t want our boys eating instant noodles every day. But I also put high value on convenience and taste.

Kristine cares about taste and convenience as well. Like me, she works full time and doesn’t have unlimited hours to spend in the kitchen each day. But she places higher value on nutritional principles, and by extension, the consequences of ignoring those principles.

We have other common ground, as well. Kristine is willing to occasionally make Paleo exceptions for a few special items, like her favorite ice cream. There are chinks in that armor that give me hope.

Negotiating a Food Agreement

As I’ve written here previously, I believe most marital friction happens because of miscommunication around expectations. Couples don’t always have to agree, but they do need to understand common rules of the game and have clarity around expectations of the other.

With that in mind, Kristine and I sat down to have a loving and thoughtful discussion about our family’s food.

We knew we wouldn’t see eye to eye on every point. But as long as we could build some common understandings, we knew we could live happily in the tension.

Our Family Food Agreement

And we did it. We crafted a family food agreement that we can both live by. It’s on a shared Google Doc, of course, and it starts with a nutrition mission statement:

As a family, we will eat foods that nourish our bodies, provide the foundation for a healthy lifestyle, prevent illness and disease, and allow for occasional moments of convenience, celebration, and pleasure.

That last part was from me.

Our agreement goes on to break our food into three classes:

  • Class 1: Green Light. Appropriately green, these are wonderful go-to snack foods that have Mom’s full approval, foods that we’ll continue to keep stocked as often as possible. Any time we’re hungry, these are the recommended snack selections.

Finding Harmony in the Tension

Food is emotional. Some couples may be blessed to find themselves on precisely the same page in this area. We’re not one of them.

But it’s okay, because great marriages don’t thrive on unanimity — they thrive on love, care, trust, respect, and communication. And as with everything else in life, that’s our goal with food.

The boys and I will continue to eat cereal on occasion, and Kristine will still eat incomprehensible amounts of kale and avocado. But we will continue to love each other and share great food in the middle spaces.

Because families that eat together stay together. And that’s the most important interest of all.

We don’t agree completely on food, and we probably never will. But with caring communication and clear expectations of each other, we have a plan that will work for our family.

Categories
Communication Connect Time Family Relationships

How to Use Your Calendar to Build Relationships

If it’s a relationship that matters, make the time for it.

Image Source: Android Authority

“We really need to have a conversation about this.”

“I really wish I was spending more time with my family.”

“Hey, it was great to run into you! Let’s meet for coffee some time soon.”

They’re all touching expressions of interest, and they’re often heartfelt. But they simply don’t materialize.

Days pass into weeks, and weeks pass into months. Old patterns resume. And like a receding fog, hopes and wishes slip away into the oblivion of time.

You know what they say — the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And when it comes to relationships that matter, wishes are usually not enough.

The good news? Your calendar just may be the solution.

5 Calendar Tips and Strategies to Consider

Okay, so up to this point you’ve largely ignored the calendars in your phone. You’ve added a few birthdays, and maybe your cousin’s wedding.

But you’ve never really used your calendar to actually do life.

Here’s where I would start.

1. Share your calendar with your partner.

“Google Calendar saved our marriage,” my friend Julia once told me. And I completely get it.

It’s never fun to be surprised by your partner’s activities or obligations during the week, which is why Kristine and I share Google calendars. We also make it a point to sit down together every weekend to talk through the week ahead.

I’ve even taken the additional step of turning on email notifications on for my wife’s calendar, which produces an email notification every time she adds or changes an event. Some might curse the number of emails that generates, but that’s how much I value the life synchronization.

You’re planning on meeting your girlfriends on Sunday? Got it. I’ll need to pick up the boys on Wednesday night? No problem. We’ve got a family celebration across town all Saturday afternoon? Cool.

Just don’t tell me these things at the last minute. That’s all I ask.

I believe most of marital harmony is really just communication about expectations. Seriously.

So eliminate surprises. Communicate often, share your calendars, and get in sync.

2. Actually respect your scheduled events.

When I was first warming up to my Google Calendar, I’d pencil in my good intentions — only to ignore them or push them quickly aside if something better came along.

Don’t do that. Instead, be intentional. If it’s an important ritual or practice, pencil it in and try hard to respect it.

If it’s not important, or you find yourself ignoring an event repeatedly, have that real conversation with yourself about whether the relationship is actually something that you want to invest in.

3. Share the event with the people involved.

There are a ton of reasons to do this. For one, it serves as information central regarding time and location, avoiding the plethora of “Hey, what time are we meeting?” texts.

Everyone can check the event, and because it’s a living document, everyone sees the same info in real time.

Not only that, Google Calendar gives you the option of sending an additional notification every time an event is modified. New restaurant location? Send the notice with a click.

Another reason to share the event with the people involved is that everyone can see everyone else’s attendance status. Wondering who’s coming? The event makes it pretty clear.

4. RSVP.

On that last note … actually RSVP.

When sharing an event with others, I try to keep my own attendance intentions as clear and current as possible.

Let’s say that my friend declines our weekly run — regularly scheduled for this evening. When he goes to the effort of declining the (shared) event on his calendar, I don’t have to wonder about his status or try to find his last text message. It’s right there on the event. He’s not going.

5. Email directly from the event.

Another reason to share the event with the people involved is the ability to email people directly from the event. Thinking about making a change to an event three months away?

An email sent directly from the event gives all parties quick and direct access to the event info. No back and forth required.

Weekly Commitments: for the People Who Matter Most

For the relationships and rituals that matter most, make sure they’re happening at least once a week. I find that weekly meetings and routines offer a rhythm steady enough to keep these relationships vibrant and strong.

It’s easy to set these events in motion. Just pencil the slot into your Google Calendar and set it to repeat weekly. Be thoughtful about the time window and avoid designating it as an all-day event if possible. Add notes, comments, location, and relevant links or Docs.

One example of a weekly commitment I’ve made is reading to my two stepsons at bedtime. I read for about twenty minutes with each boy on Tuesday evenings.

My friend Steve reads to his girls virtually every night. That’s amazing, but I’m not out to match him. I have to do what works for our family and my schedule. And weekly works.

Weekly bedtime readings give us a frequency that is memorable, meaningful, and allows us to follow the plot from week to week. It’s something we all look forward to.

Here are other weekly commitments on my calendar that strengthen important relationships:

  • Monday evenings: family board game night (about 30 minutes after dinner)
  • Tuesday evenings: bedtime readings with the boys
  • Wednesday mornings: weekly run on treadmill
  • Thursday evenings: small group meetings
  • Friday evenings: Friday Family Fun Nights
  • Saturday mornings: family walk to Starbucks
  • Saturday evenings: Date Night
  • Sunday mornings: church with the family

Because these are all penciled in permanently, deviations are rare and we can be pretty intentional about making them happen. When we’re asked if we’re available during these times, that’s usually a short conversation. NO.

I won’t pretend to follow these routines perfectly, because I don’t. But having them on shared calendars is a pretty big step towards consistency.

Monthly Commitments: Checking In

There are other relationships that are important, but it’s simply not practical to maintain them every single week. For some of those, I set auto-repeating monthly meetings.

Some examples of monthly meetings that auto-repeat in my Google Calendar:

  • phone call with an out-of-town brother
  • evening meeting with three teacher friends
  • Pop & Boys Night — an agenda-driven heart-to-heart update-on-life conversation with my stepsons, including “How can I be a better parent?”
  • conference call with my Dad and three brothers
  • Saturday morning breakfast with an uncle and cousin in another city

By setting these events to auto-repeat for the same day of each month, I keep these relationships on the radar and add some intentionality that could otherwise be lost to the distractions of life.

Your Calendar Can Strengthen Your Relationships

Sometimes it’s a relationship you’d like to cultivate. Other times, it’s a critical decision kind of conversation that you need to have with your partner (before the mental fog of sleep).

Whatever it is, your calendar can help. Make the decision to leverage the tool well, and you’ll experience the benefits of a structured, intentional life.

Because if it’s a relationship that matters, it won’t grow by itself.

You have to make the time for it.

three man sitting on gray surface
Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Categories
Family Finances Legacy Real Estate

When it Comes to Real Estate, Baby Boomers Can Be Game-Changers

Formidable real estate markets position parents to help their children at little to no cost.

EnterPhoto by Breno Assis on Unsplash

My Story

My parents have always been careful stewards of resources, and it allowed them to do something incredibly important in my life.

In 2006, they gave me a financial gift — one in the low five-figure range — as a down payment on a house. I was 27 at the time.

The house was not great. It was over 100 years old and situated in a run-down neighborhood. Regular drug transactions took place in the back alley.

But it was a house. And my name was on the title.

In 2015, after a move to the west coast, a refinanced mortgage, a failed marriage, nine years of semi-successful long-distance landlording, and a recent wedding, I finally sold the home.

Once the dust had settled and I paid all related expenses, the sale netted me and my bride about $40,000. Not a huge profit, by any stretch.

But using this little chunk of change and an unsecured line of credit, we were able to squeeze our way into a detached home in suburbia.

At the outset, our equity position was awful — we actually owed more to lenders than the entire purchase price of the home. I break down those figures further in House Poor and Loving Life.

But the point is that we were in a home. We knew that with two steady incomes, we could begin the process of chipping away at our enormous mortgage while market appreciation did its work.

What this meant for us was that instead of spending the $2,000+/month that families our size spend to rent, my parents’ financial assistance was allowing us to actually build equity by paying down a mortgage instead. And in that sense, it put us on a completely different financial trajectory.

My Parents Made the Difference

What strikes me about my story is that my wife and I aren’t special. Both of us earn modest five-figure incomes, which puts us in the same company as most couples our age.

What separates our story from that of many couples is that 2006 gift from my parents. Again, we aren’t talking Donald Trump money here — we’re talking low five figures. But that act of assistance was an absolute game-changer in my life.

I’ll be grateful for it for as long as I live.

The Down Payment Savings Struggle is Real

Today, the reality for most middle-class millennials is that putting aside enough money for even a 5–10% down payment (plus associated purchasing costs) in today’s market is a daunting challenge. Even at a steady rate of $1,000/month or $12,000/year in savings, these couples are looking at consecutive years of disciplined saving in order to put even a small down payment together.

And let’s face it — with high rental prices, student loans, car payments, rising gas and grocery costs, the costs of raising children, etc. — most millennials and gen-x couples aren’t banking $1,000 month over month. Even with no-fluff, scorched earth budgets, those savings aren’t easy. To make matters worse, market prices are unpredictable and prone to sudden increases.

Some Parents May Not Realize Their Ability to Help

One person’s housing crisis is another person’s equity windfall. In markets that have experienced rapid appreciation, long-time homeowners enjoy the benefits.

Of course the tricky thing about market appreciation is that it doesn’t affect cash flow whatsoever. A $1M gain in property value doesn’t translate into any more money for groceries.

And it’s for that reason that I think many parents — and to be clear, I’m not thinking of my own parents or my in-laws here — simply don’t realize the incredible power to help that they hold.

They don’t feel rich. And in a practical, everyday kind of sense, they may not be.

But thanks to the equity in their properties, they have tremendous power to be game-changers.

The Power of a HELOC

HELOCs, or home equity lines of credit, mean that baby boomers can borrow large sums at low interest by using their own home as security.

Let’s take a fictional Bob, his wife Shirley, and their daughter Jenny as examples.

Bob and Shirley purchased a home in 1990 for $300,000. In the years since, they raised a daughter that they love very much. As little Jenny grew from toddler into young professional, Bob and Shirley used their modest incomes to pay their mortgage faithfully. Today, their mortgage principal is at $50,000.

Their home has appreciated well over the last decade. Though the numbers don’t make any sense to Bob and Shirley, the local tax assessment assigns their home a market value of $1.1M.

Bob and Shirley are sitting on over $1M in equity, but they definitely don’t feel very rich. As prices rise, they continue to spend frugally throughout the year in order to maintain a modest lifestyle and remain on a track of responsible savings and investment for retirement. These are wise and responsible goals.

What Bob and Shirley fail to see is the power of a home equity line of credit. They miss the fact that a bank would gladly lend them $30,000 at 4%, or just $1,200 in interest per year.

For just $100/month, they could give or lend $30,000 to their daughter, Jenny. And that $30k would be enough for Jenny to purchase a condo.

Not a grand place. But a toe in the market. A place to call her own.

Heck, Jenny could even pay the interest on her parents’ HELOC herself, meaning the loan wouldn’t cost Bob and Shirley anything at all. By the time she sells her first property to upgrade to her second, Jenny should net enough from the sale to pay her parents back in full.

Think about that for a second, because this is the point I’m trying hard to make.

For no cost at all, these parents could completely change the financial trajectory of their daughter’s life.

Don’t Hear Entitlement

This piece is a bold argument to make, and some will hear millennial or gen-x entitlement here (I fall into either generation category, depending on the source you go by).

Please don’t hear entitlement. I fully recognize that not every parent is in a position to do what my parents did for me. In my case, I’ll be forever and humbly grateful.

Far be it from me to tell any other person — of any age or status — how to manage their hard-earned money.

Instead, I write this piece out of a place of genuine care. Out of a genuine belief that there are families who could be multiplying their wealth generationally, but don’t understand how to do it.

I write out of the knowledge that there are professional couples out there whose parents are sitting on the means to absolutely transform the financial futures of their children at little to no cost at all. They just don’t realize it.

A Legacy Move

Of course the best part about my parents’ financial help is that one day, my wife and I will be able to help our boys out in the very same way. That makes me smile.

The help may not be a lot. And like the Jenny scenario I described above, it may be a loan instead of an outright gift.

But it will be enough to help them get into the market, something that will help not only them but their families as well.

The gift that my parents gave back in 2006 will continue to give for years and even decades to come. And that’s a powerful thought.

It makes their gift a legacy move. One that changed a family tree for generations to come.

When it comes to today’s real estate, baby boomers can be game-changers.